28 years young.

Hendrix's new favorite thing to announce is, "I have two babies, mama!" He usually pulls that one out while I'm nursing Roscoe and cuddling him at the same time. He'll sit back and say it as though he's realizing it for the first time, "I have two babies, mama!" Sometimes, he says it more like a question, "I have two babies mama?!" as though he's trying on the idea for size, moving around in his new role as a sibling.

I find myself whispering that to myself in the middle of the night between feedings. I curl up with my pillow after laying a perfect, sighing Roscoe down in his bassinet, in awe of my new life. "I have two babies. Two babies..."

In a lot of ways, I can barely reflect on the past year, because so much of it is all about this. I have two babies. My boys are my whole world. I am happier than I have ever been; I feel more at home in my skin than ever before. Life is so good.

A year ago, as I wrote this, Roscoe was a mere possibility, a conversation. Now he's here. My little boy, my family. I have two babies. There's not much else to tell right now; I am so blessed.

Roscoe Everett!

My little champ is already a week old! I can't believe that's possible. Roscoe is right now the joy of our life. He's absolute magic. I had no idea what to expect welcoming another member to this family, and I have to say, it's just right. He is meant for us, so perfect. He is our family.

His birth was intense. I'll be working on his birth story for a while, I'm sure. Things of note? I had my membranes swept at 10:30 in the morning on March 8th, and he was in my arms by 9:15 that night. It was back labor again. It was absolutely intense. My voice is still hoarse. I terrified most of the other people on the birthing floor. But? It was all natural, not even a tylenol. I died with love right away.

Hendrix loves his little brother. He does. Watching them meet was absolutely amazing.

It hasn't been easy. I can't tell you how much I wish I had 4 arms. Hendrix has been my EVERYTHING for the past 2 and a half years. There isn't a whimper that hasn't been answered immediately by me. And now, there's another whimperer in my house. As a matter of fact, he's kind of a screamer. He can't help it, really. That has been so hard to watch Hendrix deal with. As a matter of fact, I feel like I'm going through it with him. There has been a lot more melt-downs. He's become more aggressive. He's been fighting sleep like a ninja. It's everything you read about, you try to prepare yourself for, but there's nothing like experiencing it. Obviously, it has been breaking my heart. Last night, Eric walked Roscoe to sleep while I rocked Hendo, whispering a million love notes into his ears. He just kept kissing me and saying, "Yove you so much, mommy." I cried and cried after he fell asleep.

Think they look alike?

Obviously this is such a short season in our family. I'll blink and these boys will be fighting over the video game controller. But I so want to do right by the both of them. I want to love them both fully, to give them everything they need to feel whole and safe. For now, I have to remind myself that I'm doing all I can, and trust that all the love I've given and am giving Henry will help him to deal with this transition, and come out of it an even more confident and secure little 2 year old.

GAH. So, there's all that. I love my boys so much. There aren't words. We are so blessed.

Roscoe Everett

March 8th, 2012

7 pounds, 7 ounces

19 1/2 inches

perfect.

my first.

As this new little one is squirming around, becoming more present every day, I find myself holding Henry a little tighter. Though I know my relationship with Hen will become even stronger with the addition of his little brother (yes! a boy!), I can't help but feel a little sad. Soon, Henry will be one of two; I will be a mother of two. Things will be harder. Henry won't have my undivided attention, and I won't have his.

You might be thinking, "Duh, Kel." But, I have a tough time with change, okay? The first time Henry ate applesauce, I cried because I wasn't the only one taking care of him anymore-- now fruit was, too! When Henry learned to crawl, part of me couldn't help but feel terrified that he had just begun the inevitable journey of moving AWAY FROM ME. Change is tough for this mama.

So, I've been trying to really savor our last moments of "alone time." I'm putting the computer and the phone down. I'm going outside to play, even if it's cold out. I'm laying on the floor in his room and letting the toys pile up around us. I'm stopping to read every book, even the train one, again and again and again...

Today we had lunch at a restaurant with a friend and her son. Henry wanted to leave. So, he started whining (loudly). Usually, I can be pretty impatient with all that. But today, I asked him if he needed a cuddle. He lifted up his hands, wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. He whined and whimpered into my ear for a minute, as I covered his perfect head in kisses. I told him we'd leave soon enough, and I understood he was anxious. He said, "Okay, mommy," and went back to playing with his toy. There needs to be more of that happening in my life. By "that," I mean patience and perspective.

Henry is my first baby. He will always be. Our relationship will be very special because of that, but this new baby will make our relationship even more wonderful. Though change and evolution are tough for me, I'm also watching Henry become this independent and gracious human being. I am so proud to be his mother, so blessed.

In less than 4 months, God willing, I'll be holding a brand new life in my hands. Henry, who I am sure will look like a teenager by then, will climb into the hospital bed with me and meet his best friend for the first time. I'll hold both of my boys, and I know I'll cry and cry, so thankful for all the beauty change can bring. I might not feel ready by then, but I'll be ready.

the end of an era.

This is the only picture I have of me breast feeding Hendo. The lighting is awful, and I'm so sad I don't have any others. Henry was 2 weeks old. We were still figuring it all out, struggling to get him to latch properly. It took us a while, but we became pros.

Henry has been weaned for a week now. He hasn't asked to nurse at all. It's as if he's forgotten he was glued to my body for the past two years. I fed Henry on demand for two years. It was my goal to breast feed till Hen was 18 months. We blew past that goal, and my new goal became to let Henry wean himself.

I got a lot of flack from people about it. Essentially, just people constantly asking when I was going to wean him. "I'm not." I would say. The closer we got to the two year mark, the more annoying it got. Then, I did start to doubt myself and my decisions. I mean, what if my son slept with us, breast fed and took a pacifier the rest of my life!? Was I making some kind of mistake?

As if he read my fears, Henry started breast feeding less and less. He would latch on for comfort, but wouldn't really drink anything. My body quickly responded, and I stopped producing. For the last week of breast feeding, he would latch on at night for about 30 seconds to each breast and tell me, "All Gone, Mama!"

The weaning process was seamless for us. Henry made the transition himself, and I couldn't have dreamed of a more perfect ending. The only thing I did was apply the "don't offer and don't refuse" principal. Hendrix is now sleeping comfortably through the night (the first time in 2 years-- I know!), and he now rolls over to cuddle up with his blanket to go to sleep (instead of my chest). We're going to be transitioning him to his own bed in the coming months (we've tried many times in the past, but it hasn't been the right time). I'm shocked at how quickly and effortlessly this all happened. Henry seems like he aged overnight. I'm so proud of my little buddy. He's really not a baby anymore.

Breast feeding Henry was magic. I will miss the close bond that the breast feeding relationship gave us. I will miss providing for him in such an intimate way. But, watching Henry become such an independent and wonderful human being is just as rewarding. I can't believe it, but it truly does keep getting better.

late night conversations with myself.

Baby Girl,

It's okay to stand up for yourself, but you can't do it if you have to step on someone else to get there. Let that small stuff go. You don't always have to be right. So, let someone else think they are if it helps mend conflict. Don't be a mean girl. Be a forgiving girl, they sleep better at night.

Stop chasing things that you can find within your own beating heart or in the laugh of your son's play. Breathe and Listen. PRAY. Please stop forgetting to pray.

Read something wonderful during Hen's nap-time instead of always cleaning. You can deal with dirty dishes, but you can't go on smiling with a hungry soul. Make your well-being more of a priority. You are responsible for your own happiness. GO OUT AND GET YOU SOME.

Enough Diet Coke, girl. Seriously. WE BOTH KNOW HOW LONG AGO YOU BOUGHT THAT 12 PACK. It's shameful. Brew yourself some sun tea. It's summer for goodness sakes. You could even carry it around in mason jars. You know, write a novel about it.

Let go and let God. Did you catch the let go part? LET GO.

on the eve of 27

Killed myself when I was young

With my fingers on a poison gun

'Cause I had to come back new

Wanna walk on the ocean blue

"Killed Myself When I Was Young" -A.A. Bondy

This past year has been about a lot of things for me. I feel like I've learned so much about myself, about the woman I am and the woman I want to become. I know I can be pretty hard on myself. I spend a ridiculous amount of time critiquing and correcting my choices, my behavior. I know I do a lot of that on this blog. Part of me wants to rid myself of that, but I also want to embrace it. I want to be the best version of myself, and I know that doesn't happen without reflection. I really do believe it's necessary for growth, for renewal.

Don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for.
Don't cry child, you've got something I would die for
And if it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again
'Cause so many don't.
And so many go unnamed.

"Failure" -- Laura Marling

I moved to a new state this year. I moved away from my closest family and friends. Suddenly, I was living my own life. That was so empowering and so very scary. I think a lot of this past year has been me realizing that I am my own person. I am living my own life. In the past few months, I've really come to terms with the fact that I'm an adult. I know that seems like something I should have realized a long time ago, but for some reason, I hadn't. I've found a new sense of independence of competence that I don't think I had embraced before.

Everything I've learned I have forgotten
Everything I've forgotten looks just like new

"Eyes on the Prize" -M. Ward

When we first moved here, it was tough--really tough. I honestly felt as insecure as I did in junior high, and those of you who know my junior high stories know that's pretty terrible. I felt so lonely, so friendless, so unlike myself. I really floundered for a while. Slowly but surely, it got better. At first, I took some time to be okay with being alone. I really grew during that time. Then, I branched out. I met friends at book club, at the YMCA gym class and at church. Sure enough, I made friends. Some of whom I honestly think could be lifetime friends. I can honestly say I need people in my life; I do. I was not made to be an island.

How do I know when it's time to stop?
Runnin' from the things I do, being things I'm not
Oh I have tried, but I just changed my mind
Every night befalls every morning light

"Please Pardon Yourself" -Avett Brothers

One thing I've been trying to do lately is be more honest with myself and with those around me. So often, I find myself curbing my opinions and thoughts. I find myself faking it, to an extent. I don't like that. I don't want to become abrasive, but I also don't want to be untrue to myself. I think part of me growing up is being sure enough of my opinions and beliefs to stand up for them, also being able to stand up for myself. I think most people see me as a pretty confident human being, but most days, I really struggle with self doubt. I need to trust myself more. That self doubt is a killer of progress. In the next year I promise I will forgive myself. I will seek out more of the good in the people around me instead of focusing on the bad. I will spend more time being grateful for what I have than focusing on what I don't. I will spend more time alone, listening instead of thinking. I will seek God.

I used to think if I could realize i'd die

then I would be a lot nicer

used to believe in a lot more

now I just see straight ahead

"Science Versus Romance" Rilo Kiley

The facebook wishes are already starting to roll in. My eyes are heavy, but my heart is full. Another year is passed, and I'm stronger for it.

Hendrix's First Year

I've been meaning to post these pics for FOREVER. I bought this Pottery Barn frame for 4.99 at Goodwill at the beginning of the year...

I liked the frame as is, but it was pretty beat up and I am over dark wood (we have it all over our house). So, I sanded it down, and spray painted it with a neutral color:

I went back and forth deciding whether to have sepia toned or color prints in the openings. I ended up meeting somewhere in the middle. In iPhoto, I changed them all to "antique" and went with color. The sepia tone just looked odd, and let's be real, I've got to showcase those baby blues. Right now, the frame is sitting on my dresser. I love looking at it and pausing. My little baby is becoming less of a baby every day. It's so nice to have a tangible reminder of that.

Oh, and those chairs? They're future before/ afters! :)

new project.

I'm working on a little project, something to have up in the house to remind me that time flies. It's insane to see the progression of Henry's smile, his hair, his attitude. He's a little boy now, toddling around, exploring the world. He used to be curled up inside of me, mine only, knowing only my voice. Now, he's discovering his own voice, carving out his own place in the world.

in the womb.

newbie

3 months

I'm getting better at appreciating the new role I will take in this next chapter of his life. I have a ridiculous urge to hold him back, to stop him from growing. That's unhealthy, for the both of us. My little guy is growing up, and it's up to me to help him do that in a free, nurturing and safe environment.

6 months

9 months

1 year

Oh, Hendo. You have no idea what you put this heart of mine through, but I promise I'll get better at letting you get older. It was a losing battle anyhow.

friends

So, I went to a book club meeting tonight. I seriously feel so hyped up from the social interaction, I might combust with joy.

IT. WAS. AWESOME.

Eric watched Henry, and when I got home, they were snuggled up together in bed, ying and yang style. I don't know if y'all caught that, but-- ahem-- ERIC PUT HENRY TO SLEEP. Seriously. Miracles happen everyday. Eric was so excited for me to get out. I was worried about Henry falling asleep without me, but Eric practically shoved me out of the door. Maybe Eric is hoping if he pushes me out of the house more often, I might expand my sweat pant rotation. But, let's not get crazy.

To be real, there was something about a group of women getting together to do something that is so empowering. So many of the women said things like, "I'm just lonely." And as much as I like to put on a brave face; I'm really lonely, too. It is so tough to make friends! I've tried the whole, "Oh, hey, you have a kid and we're both in the grocery store" thing, but I usually lose people at the whole, "Hey, not to be weird or anything but can I get your digits?" Because you know what? IT IS WEIRD.

So, anyway. I hope I'm not speaking too soon, but book club was the greatest. Now, where did I put my pjs?

Dear Kelly Ann,

It's almost a new year, my dear. You are 26 years young. You are trying every day to be a better person. But, go easy, huh?

This year, it's about you, girl. It's about finding yourself. It's about finding God. It's about finding that ebb and flow, that comfortable cadence to life that so easily eludes you.

So; read more books, write more,nap with Hen, make good food and gain a few pounds.

Forgive yourself.

Move forward. Make a new voice.

For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

the new year.

The close of a year always brings me to major self reflection. Sadly, I am sometimes too hard on myself; so it brings me to self- loath. I wish I was easier on myself (perhaps that's something I can work on in the new year).

Things I'm addressing now:

- I've taken a hiatus from Facebook. For now, it's projected to last until January 1st, but it may very well last longer. I need to gain control of my "free time." Hendrix is curious and creative, and I need to nurture and inspire that in him. Telling him, "Give mommy a minute while I finish reading this person's ridiculous status update" isn't cutting it.

-I've borrowed Suze Orman's book, "Women & Money." I'm educating myself. I am creating a budget and a goal plan for the new year. Also, note: BORROWED. I joined the library. WOO-HAH!

-I've started Henry's scrapbook... Yes, this might have started a little late, but I'm super proud of the progress I've made so far. I plan on it being the coolest scrapbook ever. I'm having way more fun with it than I though.

-I've been making dinner. Albeit not insanely impressive, I've made dinner BY MYSELF the past two nights in a row. Tonight, I held an impromptu dinner for 10 people, and I only freaked out for an hour about it.

-I'm preparing myself mentally for my new year's resolution. I want to be insanely committed to it. I want it to change my life.

WHAT IS IT? YOU ASK?

I'm not buying anything new in the New Year.

Let me explain. I have a problem. It's really been an ongoing one for me. However, since I became a stay at home mama, it's gotten much worse. I BUY THINGS. I'm a buyer. No, I don't have an addiction to Gucci bags or designer clothes. I just buy STUFF. I can't even tell you the things I buy, because half the time I come home and I'm like: 0__0 why did I buy this shirt? i didn't need it! Repeat. Repeat.

Here are the ground rules:

• Obviously, I can buy new food/ groceries. DUH. However, I'm working on a budget/ making more dinners at home. So, my trips to the grocery store will be different than they have been. I'll make a list and stick to it. I'll go in with a plan.
• Things that Henry really NEEDS: sippie cups, binky's, random baby things that he would put into his mouth? WILL BE BOUGHT NEW.
• However, clothes for Henry? SECOND HAND, baby. There are a lot of awesome Goodwill's/ Consignment stores around here. So, Hendo will be rockin' recycled goods. I have a feeling he won't know the difference, but MY GAP CARD WILL.
• Birthday gifts can be bought new, but I will try my best to buy them used if possible. This (yay), will mean that trips to Goodwill will be about inspiration and fun. If I see something that I like for someone, but their birthday isn't for a few months? I'll buy it. Hopefully this will equal more thoughtfulness and less last minute scrambling.
• If Eric is with me, I can buy something new. Ahem. Eric made me put this in the ground rules. We VERY RARELY go shopping together (we're talking MAYBE 4 times a year), but when we do, he likes to spoil me a little. So, if I'm with E, we can splurge a little.
• IF I GET PREGNANT IN THE NEW YEAR... little baby things can be bought new (nothin' crazy... but, you know). Note: this is not at ALL in the works. :)

I have no idea how this will shape my new year, but I'm thinking quite a bit. I have a feeling it might shape my life. I need to work on my addiction to STUFF. I have got to get a hold before I become one of those peeps on Hoarders. SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY.

What do you think? Should I tighten my ground rules even more? Am I being crazy? Any bloggers you know doing something similar?

home sweet home

Soon it's gonna rain.

I can feel it.

Soon it's gonna rain.

I can tell.

Soon it's gonna rain.

What'll we do with you?

~

We'll find four limbs of a tree.

We'll build four walls and a floor.

We'll bind it over with leaves,

And run inside to stay.

~

Then we'll let it rain.

We'll not feel it.

Then we'll let it rain,

Rain pell-mell.

~

And we'll not complain

If it never stops at all.

We'll live and love

Within our own four walls.

dark house; clear head

i'm up too late waiting for friday. my ears are tuned to the sounds of the people i love sleeping. i am blessed.

tomorrow, i was told, we are supposed to move into the house. however, seeing as there is no plumbing or electricity, i am finding that harder to believe. i don't think i need to tell you, that's a major bummer. the house looks amazing other than that. i think tomorrow, i'm going to wheel henry over in his stroller, and i am going to put some dishes away. i don't need a working bathroom to do that, am i right?

there is something about being in limbo that has really rattled me to my core. the past 4 months have been brutal. i honestly can't even believe i can write that, because i didn't think i could last that long in an rv. there is a part of me, especially on the verge of this move (across the driveway), that is disappointed in myself. i had a rare opportunity to challenge my materialistic, entitled self and instead, i complained. i didn't live in the moment. i have a real problem with that. i don't know why that is. there is something in me that is always looking forward, dreaming. i want more than i have. & i need to work on that. i need to be more present in my own life.

i know that i will look back on this time through the beautiful lens of hindsight and remember the good things: henry's first steps, eric and my midnight talks in the camper, reading the harry potter series in the light of the rv bathroom, the sound of the air conditioner whirring, the view with the windows open of the beautiful night sky, my time spent with carol in the mornings, henry growing and growing before my eyes... but i hope i remember the struggles, too. i hope i look back and can see how this experience has made me more aware and stronger.

time has passed in these months. things are moving. i pray i am moving with them.

time alone.

I'm sitting in this rv. eric took henry swimming at his brother's house, and I can't tell you how stoked I am to just be typing a blog post without a drool filled hand dragging across my face (LOVE YOU, HENRY!).

Really, I should be sitting in our house, but, the builders are a month behind. We should be there in 2 weeks. I guess it's nice, because I'll come back from my trip home (I leave in ONE WEEK), and I'll be moving in when I return. hopefully when I come back I'll have more of a clear head about all of this.

Things have been ROUGH. I've def. been hesitating to write about it on the internet, because I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but I figure I won't broadcast this blog post shamelessly on facebook.

I find myself in a bit of a depression, or slump if that word scares you. When moving down here, I had the highest of hopes. I knew I would be spending my days with the most wonderful thing I've ever done. I really thought that being with Henry would pull me through the tough parts of this transition, and don't get me wrong, I LOVE being at home. However, an RV doesn't provide much room in which to live, and so, we pretty much just sleep in it. The rest of my day is spent in my in-law's house. They have been so generous. All of our clothes are in their second bedroom, we use their t.v., eat dinner with them, use their washer and dryer-- we would be totally lost without them. But, cohabitation with your in-laws? I would not exactly recommend it. Without being too emo here? I FEEL LIKE MY SOUL IS BEING RIPPED FROM MY BODY.

I think a lot of my frustration stems from my upbringing. I NEVER heard my parents yell at one another-- ever. Eric and I, though we've had our moments, are always extremely conscious of raising our voices around Henry. Personally, and I fear looking up research to prove me right, I think stress & anxiety are bad for babies. However, we have COPIOUS amounts of both on a daily basis, and I'm just not used to it. I'm not. And the level to which it is now SHOVED IN MY FACE and in my son's face is too much. I am now at my end. I could go on and on, but I'll use discretion and stop there (email me for details--jk).

In the face of all this, I really do have to say, Eric has been awesome. it's not easy to lay down every night next to your wife who has been possessed by Snookie, "WAHHHHHHH!!!" I've been a bear and a half.

This week is our anniversary (4 years, baby!), and Eric has business in downtown Austin. So, we've booked a hotel for 3 days, and Henry and I are going to wade in the pool while he works. Then at night, we're going to explore this awesome town and get our heads on straight. After three days of perfection, I'll come back here, pack a suitcase and spend some much needed and anticipated time with my fam. Then, I'll return to the great state of Texas and move into a home not on wheels. What I'm getting at is things are looking up. I'm going to be okay. Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade.

the goods.

life has been ridiculously busy lately. the house is almost built, hendrix is closer to walking than i'd like to admit, and i'm doing enough laundry to open a business.

i'm tired most days. when i get in bed, my mind is racing. i've been writing more in my journal, trying to figure my own head and heart out. it's so tempting to come into this forum and pretend that everything is comin' up roses, but that's just not truthful. things have been hard down here. transition is just tough-- there's no other way to tell it. we're living in an RV, and while part of me can shade that as terribly romantic, like something out of a wes anderson film. but the truth is, RVs don't hold air well, okay? and, during the night, the air comes on and off like a banshee, stirring hendrix and waking me up EVERY. TIME. living with the constant company of my in-laws is both wonderful and terrible at the same time. eric and i find ourselves hugging each other for the first time at 9 at night, craving alone time. we are ready for space of our own again. i'm still trying to figure out how to balance my new role as MOM without resorting to a 1950s persona-- it's tougher than i thought it would be. for example, how does a feminist make a meatloaf? i have to figure out these things. :)

in the midst of all this crazy, there is a great deal of good, too. i'm home with henry. with my little buddy. he's going through this stage where all he wants is mom. i don't know what i would do if i had to hand him over to a daycare, kicking and screaming. it would truly break me. instead, i'm with him all day. i get to see the littlest nuances of his development. he's so much a part of me. so much a part of eric. he's our little guy. he's becoming such a wonderful person.

eric and i have been working on strengthening our relationship. i'm so lucky to be with someone who makes me a better person, and who challenges me when i'm not. we're constantly using the stresses in our life here to identify where we can become better, for each other and for henry. i know that as we continue to transition, we'll do so together.

i'm dreaming of this little house, ready to settle into a new space, both physically and emotionally. so ready.