Roscoe Everett!

My little champ is already a week old! I can't believe that's possible. Roscoe is right now the joy of our life. He's absolute magic. I had no idea what to expect welcoming another member to this family, and I have to say, it's just right. He is meant for us, so perfect. He is our family.

His birth was intense. I'll be working on his birth story for a while, I'm sure. Things of note? I had my membranes swept at 10:30 in the morning on March 8th, and he was in my arms by 9:15 that night. It was back labor again. It was absolutely intense. My voice is still hoarse. I terrified most of the other people on the birthing floor. But? It was all natural, not even a tylenol. I died with love right away.

Hendrix loves his little brother. He does. Watching them meet was absolutely amazing.

It hasn't been easy. I can't tell you how much I wish I had 4 arms. Hendrix has been my EVERYTHING for the past 2 and a half years. There isn't a whimper that hasn't been answered immediately by me. And now, there's another whimperer in my house. As a matter of fact, he's kind of a screamer. He can't help it, really. That has been so hard to watch Hendrix deal with. As a matter of fact, I feel like I'm going through it with him. There has been a lot more melt-downs. He's become more aggressive. He's been fighting sleep like a ninja. It's everything you read about, you try to prepare yourself for, but there's nothing like experiencing it. Obviously, it has been breaking my heart. Last night, Eric walked Roscoe to sleep while I rocked Hendo, whispering a million love notes into his ears. He just kept kissing me and saying, "Yove you so much, mommy." I cried and cried after he fell asleep.

Think they look alike?

Obviously this is such a short season in our family. I'll blink and these boys will be fighting over the video game controller. But I so want to do right by the both of them. I want to love them both fully, to give them everything they need to feel whole and safe. For now, I have to remind myself that I'm doing all I can, and trust that all the love I've given and am giving Henry will help him to deal with this transition, and come out of it an even more confident and secure little 2 year old.

GAH. So, there's all that. I love my boys so much. There aren't words. We are so blessed.

Roscoe Everett

March 8th, 2012

7 pounds, 7 ounces

19 1/2 inches

perfect.

late night conversations with myself.

Baby Girl,

It's okay to stand up for yourself, but you can't do it if you have to step on someone else to get there. Let that small stuff go. You don't always have to be right. So, let someone else think they are if it helps mend conflict. Don't be a mean girl. Be a forgiving girl, they sleep better at night.

Stop chasing things that you can find within your own beating heart or in the laugh of your son's play. Breathe and Listen. PRAY. Please stop forgetting to pray.

Read something wonderful during Hen's nap-time instead of always cleaning. You can deal with dirty dishes, but you can't go on smiling with a hungry soul. Make your well-being more of a priority. You are responsible for your own happiness. GO OUT AND GET YOU SOME.

Enough Diet Coke, girl. Seriously. WE BOTH KNOW HOW LONG AGO YOU BOUGHT THAT 12 PACK. It's shameful. Brew yourself some sun tea. It's summer for goodness sakes. You could even carry it around in mason jars. You know, write a novel about it.

Let go and let God. Did you catch the let go part? LET GO.

on the eve of 27

Killed myself when I was young

With my fingers on a poison gun

'Cause I had to come back new

Wanna walk on the ocean blue

"Killed Myself When I Was Young" -A.A. Bondy

This past year has been about a lot of things for me. I feel like I've learned so much about myself, about the woman I am and the woman I want to become. I know I can be pretty hard on myself. I spend a ridiculous amount of time critiquing and correcting my choices, my behavior. I know I do a lot of that on this blog. Part of me wants to rid myself of that, but I also want to embrace it. I want to be the best version of myself, and I know that doesn't happen without reflection. I really do believe it's necessary for growth, for renewal.

Don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for.
Don't cry child, you've got something I would die for
And if it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again
'Cause so many don't.
And so many go unnamed.

"Failure" -- Laura Marling

I moved to a new state this year. I moved away from my closest family and friends. Suddenly, I was living my own life. That was so empowering and so very scary. I think a lot of this past year has been me realizing that I am my own person. I am living my own life. In the past few months, I've really come to terms with the fact that I'm an adult. I know that seems like something I should have realized a long time ago, but for some reason, I hadn't. I've found a new sense of independence of competence that I don't think I had embraced before.

Everything I've learned I have forgotten
Everything I've forgotten looks just like new

"Eyes on the Prize" -M. Ward

When we first moved here, it was tough--really tough. I honestly felt as insecure as I did in junior high, and those of you who know my junior high stories know that's pretty terrible. I felt so lonely, so friendless, so unlike myself. I really floundered for a while. Slowly but surely, it got better. At first, I took some time to be okay with being alone. I really grew during that time. Then, I branched out. I met friends at book club, at the YMCA gym class and at church. Sure enough, I made friends. Some of whom I honestly think could be lifetime friends. I can honestly say I need people in my life; I do. I was not made to be an island.

How do I know when it's time to stop?
Runnin' from the things I do, being things I'm not
Oh I have tried, but I just changed my mind
Every night befalls every morning light

"Please Pardon Yourself" -Avett Brothers

One thing I've been trying to do lately is be more honest with myself and with those around me. So often, I find myself curbing my opinions and thoughts. I find myself faking it, to an extent. I don't like that. I don't want to become abrasive, but I also don't want to be untrue to myself. I think part of me growing up is being sure enough of my opinions and beliefs to stand up for them, also being able to stand up for myself. I think most people see me as a pretty confident human being, but most days, I really struggle with self doubt. I need to trust myself more. That self doubt is a killer of progress. In the next year I promise I will forgive myself. I will seek out more of the good in the people around me instead of focusing on the bad. I will spend more time being grateful for what I have than focusing on what I don't. I will spend more time alone, listening instead of thinking. I will seek God.

I used to think if I could realize i'd die

then I would be a lot nicer

used to believe in a lot more

now I just see straight ahead

"Science Versus Romance" Rilo Kiley

The facebook wishes are already starting to roll in. My eyes are heavy, but my heart is full. Another year is passed, and I'm stronger for it.

marriage.

Yeah, that's my husband. He's hot. There's no two ways about it. He is a STONE FOX.

I saw Eric my first day of college (note: SAW, not MET). He was in an English class with me (one that he dropped the same day). And when he walked through the room, EVERY INCH OF ME melted. Seriously, it was just like in the movies. Time stopped. I can remember exactly where I was sitting, what he was wearing, the light in the room... Here is a picture of Eric at around 18. You'll see what I mean:

RIGHT? YUMMY. That day, Eric captured my heart. He did. I'm not even trying to be crazy about this, it's the truth. Up until we started dating, I only had eyes for Eric. All of my friends knew him as "My Mystery Man." I pranked called his dorm room, stared at him throughout every shared dinner in the cafeteria and asked every friend of his for Eric's info.

I bought my first Radiohead album, because I'd heard they were his favorite. I heard he liked "nice girls;" so, I tried to be nicer. Mostly, I was just in love with him.

I've been in love with Eric from the minute I laid eyes on him. Our story is a long one. A good one, but a long one. The short of it is, I'm a lucky woman.

Eric and I are very different people. I'm loud; he's quiet. I'm an optimist; he's a pessimist. I'm a buyer; he's a saver. I'm a doer; he's a thinker. On paper, we're complete opposites, but we work. We compliment each other.

We also fight like HELL. :) Something we both have in common is a stubborn streak a mile long. We both usually think we're right. It makes for some killer "conversations". Before we had Henry, our fights would sometimes result in me getting in the car and leaving, slamming the door behind me...

Henry has added a new dimension of stress to our relationship. However, he's also brought us closer together. We always worked at our marriage, trying to be fairer fighters, better partners. But Henry has made every fight, every disagreement, every unkind word seem paramount. We work as a team, constantly evaluating our relationship and working to be the best parents and examples to Henry.

It's hard work, but we both are passionate about setting a positive model of a loving relationship for Henry. That's why, when we first moved down here to Texas, we saw a THERAPIST. I feel like it's so taboo to admit that. I wish that wasn't true. The truth is, we just found ourselves in need of direction. We love each other so much; we love Henry so much, and it became clear that we had started unhealthy patterns that needed to be fixed.

Our time "on the couch" was so beneficial. We only went to 3 sessions, but in the interim time, we applied everything she suggested we look at. We read books, filled out surveys, but mostly we TALKED. TALKED. TALKED. We apologized for past wrongs, made promises for our future, and we grew. Eric and I are now more conscious of our attitudes, words and each others feelings. We are more aware.

I've come a long way since my time as a stalker. But the truth is, that boy who made my heart melt when I first laid eyes on him still gives me butterflies. Though our relationship started just like the movies, we are real people, with real issues, who work every day to be good to one another, and to our perfect baby boy. Thank God Eric is so good looking. He makes even the tough days seem easy.

What about you? What is your love story? How do you "keep the love alive?" Any tricks of the trade?

on homemaking.

Today, I was on the phone changing our car insurance (we saved 100 a month by switching to Geico!). The representative asked me what I "do," and as I scrambled to find the right words, he interjected with, "You're a homemaker." Part of me resented that label. I mean, if I'm just now becoming a homemaker, what was I when I was still working a full time job? I was making a home for my family then, too. I replied with, "Is that the politically correct term nowadays?" He laughed and said, "I guess so, MA'AM" Don't even get me started.

A homemaker. A stay at home mom. A housewife.

I've struggled in the past year with my new "labels." I have a hard time with them. Don't get me wrong, I know I am lucky to be able to stay home with Henry. I know that for our little family, me staying home is the healthiest arrangement for all of us. But, BUT. I find myself going back and forth... One day, I'm trying to aspire to be the Martha Stewart of all mothers and other days I find myself wanting to run back into the classroom. Bottom line? Being a stay at home mom is TOUGH.

I'm bored a lot of days. I doubt my parenting decisions. I wonder if I'm actually "parenting." I feel lonely and tired. I feel like my friends think I have it easy. I feel like I don't have any friends. I eat my way through some mornings. I ignore Henry. I cry. I get insanely impatient. I worry I'm not feeding Henry the right food or giving him the right toys to play with. I feel like NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. I worry. I doubt. I worry. I doubt.

& then (and I know I always end these self-reflective blog entries this way), THEN THERE'S THIS GUY...

.. who is growing every day into this real kid. There's this perfect human being who gives my life such bright light and energy. There's this part of me that is becoming more and more the person he is meant to be. And I have the front row seat AND the VIP pass and, you know what? I'm his STAY AT HOME MOM. His HOMEMAKER. And when I think about those labels in the context of my lil' buddy? They fit just fine.

we are all meant to shine, as children do.

“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”-- Marianne Williamson

It's probably semi-emo to put up that quote in association with these pictures, but I kept coming back to those words as I looked at these pictures, so why not?

I've been thinking a lot lately about how easily I become "dark." I have no problem complaining. Most days, my first reaction to stress is anger. I often have no patience at all for Henry's "curiosity." And I have a real problem speaking negatively about people. I can really be a "Debbie Downer"

You know what? I hate that. I hate that it is so much easier to be a lesser version of myself than the better one. I hate that I don't have an unending stream of grace and good will. I hate the thought of passing on a negative image of myself to Henry.

That thought is what helps me to stop and reflect. Every day, I see this little human soaking in the world and all it has to offer, unafraid. Henry trusts the world I create for him. If I'm happy, he's happy. If I go into something negatively, he feels that. It's the oddest thing. I can actually feel him mimic my mood. That is both terrifying and empowering. Hen makes me want to be the best version of myself, for him. If I am going to create his world view, don't I want him to see the world as beautiful and full? Don't I want him to be open and loving instead of closed and afraid? Of course.

He deserves that.

great grandparents.

Henry and I just got back after spending five days with my grandparents, Henry's great-grandparents. My dad met us down there, and I can't tell you how wonderful it was. See that smile on my grandma's face? It never left. She was radiant with love and pride the entire visit.

My grandma and grandpa were supposed to meet Henry 6 months ago, but my grandpa fell and broke his hip; so, they had to cancel. It crushed my grandma, who has been faithfully taking care of him the past three years as he goes in and out of the hospital. She called me on the phone when they realized they wouldn't be able to come, "I just want to hold him." It was devastating. She told me in the car while I was there, "I felt selfish asking you to come all this way; I'm so glad you did. He's just perfect, Kelly."

My relationship with my grandma has always been strained. I've always felt I wasn't who she wanted me to be. I was either too rambunctious or unladylike. This trip was different; we really connected. I felt like I was finally doing something right. She kept telling me I was a great mother, that I made her proud. And those words mean so much when they're coming from someone you respect so highly; they mean the world.

My grandpa is sick; there's no two ways about it. I'm still coming to terms with the reality that he's going to die. It's so hard to imagine a world he doesn't exist in. It makes me feel better knowing that he met Henry -- that he's kissed his face and laughed with him. Someday, I can show Hendrix a picture of when he was very small, and I can tell him, "That's your great-grandpa, he loved you very, very much."