on the eve of 27

Killed myself when I was young

With my fingers on a poison gun

'Cause I had to come back new

Wanna walk on the ocean blue

"Killed Myself When I Was Young" -A.A. Bondy

This past year has been about a lot of things for me. I feel like I've learned so much about myself, about the woman I am and the woman I want to become. I know I can be pretty hard on myself. I spend a ridiculous amount of time critiquing and correcting my choices, my behavior. I know I do a lot of that on this blog. Part of me wants to rid myself of that, but I also want to embrace it. I want to be the best version of myself, and I know that doesn't happen without reflection. I really do believe it's necessary for growth, for renewal.

Don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for.
Don't cry child, you've got something I would die for
And if it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again
'Cause so many don't.
And so many go unnamed.

"Failure" -- Laura Marling

I moved to a new state this year. I moved away from my closest family and friends. Suddenly, I was living my own life. That was so empowering and so very scary. I think a lot of this past year has been me realizing that I am my own person. I am living my own life. In the past few months, I've really come to terms with the fact that I'm an adult. I know that seems like something I should have realized a long time ago, but for some reason, I hadn't. I've found a new sense of independence of competence that I don't think I had embraced before.

Everything I've learned I have forgotten
Everything I've forgotten looks just like new

"Eyes on the Prize" -M. Ward

When we first moved here, it was tough--really tough. I honestly felt as insecure as I did in junior high, and those of you who know my junior high stories know that's pretty terrible. I felt so lonely, so friendless, so unlike myself. I really floundered for a while. Slowly but surely, it got better. At first, I took some time to be okay with being alone. I really grew during that time. Then, I branched out. I met friends at book club, at the YMCA gym class and at church. Sure enough, I made friends. Some of whom I honestly think could be lifetime friends. I can honestly say I need people in my life; I do. I was not made to be an island.

How do I know when it's time to stop?
Runnin' from the things I do, being things I'm not
Oh I have tried, but I just changed my mind
Every night befalls every morning light

"Please Pardon Yourself" -Avett Brothers

One thing I've been trying to do lately is be more honest with myself and with those around me. So often, I find myself curbing my opinions and thoughts. I find myself faking it, to an extent. I don't like that. I don't want to become abrasive, but I also don't want to be untrue to myself. I think part of me growing up is being sure enough of my opinions and beliefs to stand up for them, also being able to stand up for myself. I think most people see me as a pretty confident human being, but most days, I really struggle with self doubt. I need to trust myself more. That self doubt is a killer of progress. In the next year I promise I will forgive myself. I will seek out more of the good in the people around me instead of focusing on the bad. I will spend more time being grateful for what I have than focusing on what I don't. I will spend more time alone, listening instead of thinking. I will seek God.

I used to think if I could realize i'd die

then I would be a lot nicer

used to believe in a lot more

now I just see straight ahead

"Science Versus Romance" Rilo Kiley

The facebook wishes are already starting to roll in. My eyes are heavy, but my heart is full. Another year is passed, and I'm stronger for it.

home sweet home

Soon it's gonna rain.

I can feel it.

Soon it's gonna rain.

I can tell.

Soon it's gonna rain.

What'll we do with you?

~

We'll find four limbs of a tree.

We'll build four walls and a floor.

We'll bind it over with leaves,

And run inside to stay.

~

Then we'll let it rain.

We'll not feel it.

Then we'll let it rain,

Rain pell-mell.

~

And we'll not complain

If it never stops at all.

We'll live and love

Within our own four walls.

dark house; clear head

i'm up too late waiting for friday. my ears are tuned to the sounds of the people i love sleeping. i am blessed.

tomorrow, i was told, we are supposed to move into the house. however, seeing as there is no plumbing or electricity, i am finding that harder to believe. i don't think i need to tell you, that's a major bummer. the house looks amazing other than that. i think tomorrow, i'm going to wheel henry over in his stroller, and i am going to put some dishes away. i don't need a working bathroom to do that, am i right?

there is something about being in limbo that has really rattled me to my core. the past 4 months have been brutal. i honestly can't even believe i can write that, because i didn't think i could last that long in an rv. there is a part of me, especially on the verge of this move (across the driveway), that is disappointed in myself. i had a rare opportunity to challenge my materialistic, entitled self and instead, i complained. i didn't live in the moment. i have a real problem with that. i don't know why that is. there is something in me that is always looking forward, dreaming. i want more than i have. & i need to work on that. i need to be more present in my own life.

i know that i will look back on this time through the beautiful lens of hindsight and remember the good things: henry's first steps, eric and my midnight talks in the camper, reading the harry potter series in the light of the rv bathroom, the sound of the air conditioner whirring, the view with the windows open of the beautiful night sky, my time spent with carol in the mornings, henry growing and growing before my eyes... but i hope i remember the struggles, too. i hope i look back and can see how this experience has made me more aware and stronger.

time has passed in these months. things are moving. i pray i am moving with them.

time alone.

I'm sitting in this rv. eric took henry swimming at his brother's house, and I can't tell you how stoked I am to just be typing a blog post without a drool filled hand dragging across my face (LOVE YOU, HENRY!).

Really, I should be sitting in our house, but, the builders are a month behind. We should be there in 2 weeks. I guess it's nice, because I'll come back from my trip home (I leave in ONE WEEK), and I'll be moving in when I return. hopefully when I come back I'll have more of a clear head about all of this.

Things have been ROUGH. I've def. been hesitating to write about it on the internet, because I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but I figure I won't broadcast this blog post shamelessly on facebook.

I find myself in a bit of a depression, or slump if that word scares you. When moving down here, I had the highest of hopes. I knew I would be spending my days with the most wonderful thing I've ever done. I really thought that being with Henry would pull me through the tough parts of this transition, and don't get me wrong, I LOVE being at home. However, an RV doesn't provide much room in which to live, and so, we pretty much just sleep in it. The rest of my day is spent in my in-law's house. They have been so generous. All of our clothes are in their second bedroom, we use their t.v., eat dinner with them, use their washer and dryer-- we would be totally lost without them. But, cohabitation with your in-laws? I would not exactly recommend it. Without being too emo here? I FEEL LIKE MY SOUL IS BEING RIPPED FROM MY BODY.

I think a lot of my frustration stems from my upbringing. I NEVER heard my parents yell at one another-- ever. Eric and I, though we've had our moments, are always extremely conscious of raising our voices around Henry. Personally, and I fear looking up research to prove me right, I think stress & anxiety are bad for babies. However, we have COPIOUS amounts of both on a daily basis, and I'm just not used to it. I'm not. And the level to which it is now SHOVED IN MY FACE and in my son's face is too much. I am now at my end. I could go on and on, but I'll use discretion and stop there (email me for details--jk).

In the face of all this, I really do have to say, Eric has been awesome. it's not easy to lay down every night next to your wife who has been possessed by Snookie, "WAHHHHHHH!!!" I've been a bear and a half.

This week is our anniversary (4 years, baby!), and Eric has business in downtown Austin. So, we've booked a hotel for 3 days, and Henry and I are going to wade in the pool while he works. Then at night, we're going to explore this awesome town and get our heads on straight. After three days of perfection, I'll come back here, pack a suitcase and spend some much needed and anticipated time with my fam. Then, I'll return to the great state of Texas and move into a home not on wheels. What I'm getting at is things are looking up. I'm going to be okay. Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade.

the big move.

two days, one hotel, 17 hours of driving and we're here.

this place is just beautiful. heat is different here. the sun envelops your skin in a way that feels welcomed. greg and carol's (my in-law's) property is like something out of a movie. there are giant, open fields and crooked, reaching trees. i can just imagine hendrix exploring, beating a path with a stick. it feels like home already, and that's largely due to the fact that we are so wanted here. greg and carol have been wonderful; they've missed us so much. i'm so glad we're with family.

i've only been "home" with hendrix 4 days now, but already, i see how different staying home will be. on a mama note, i'm able to see hendrix changing in front of my eyes. he's starting to stand up while holding onto things on his own. he's almost crawling. he's sitting up by himself more and more everyday. i am thrilled to be with my little boy. i'm watching him grow and providing a safe and nurturing environment for that to happen.

however, on an independent note, there are little red flags i'm making myself aware of. for example, i get bored easily. today, all i wanted to do was GET OUT! go do something! luckily, hendrix is a go get 'em baby. he want to explore! so, i know that together, we'll make a good team. i'll make sure to keep us busy. another flag was i realized how MUCH TIME I SPEND ON THE INTERNET. i'm going to have to cut back. i'm giving myself some slack here, because i've just been separated from all of my closest friends and family, but stalking them on the internet isn't healthy. :) okay, and the one flag i fear the most... hendrix almost fell off the bed today. THERE! i said it! he almost FELL OFF OF THE BED. i simply turned to throw a dirty diaper into the bag, and he was laughing his way to a concussion. i have to watch him like a hawk, and this is only the beginning. so as of now, i have some "goals," if you will. 1. find interesting, exploratory things to do with hendrix (other than walk around target...) 2. find a healthy limit to internet-ing 3. WATCH HENDRIX LIKE A HAWK. i'll keep you posted on how that all goes.

in the meantime, i'll just be cuddlin' with my boo.

june 4th

we are moving june fourth.

we are moving june fourth.

we are moving june fourth.

i don't really think i've wrapped my head around what that means. in less than a month, i will be making the biggest move of my life. eric and i have been selling some of our furniture on craigslist. it's odd watching our things taken away. they're just things, but they're like mac and cheese at a potluck-- they're a staple. they're the first things we're saying goodbye to, and that's making this all seem real for the first time.

my mom has been laying it on THICK. she's trying not to, but i mean, her baby (and her baby's baby) is moving 17 hours away. she's upset. i get it (mom, if you're reading this, i really do understand). it's going to be very hard leaving my family here, knowing they'll miss so many of henry's firsts, knowing he'll miss time with them.

when i get really down, i remember why we're doing this. i think about waking up in the morning, making coffee, holding henry on my hip and getting eric get ready for work (i'm reading "the meaning of wife" by anne kingston; so, i do realize this is something that june cleaver and foldgers commercials have done to me). i think about all the special things henry and i can do together. i'm excited about stroller rides, the library, zoo visits, grocery runs, afternoon naps... i mean, i have done some awesome things in my day: organized protests, directed plays, shaved my legs while 9 months pregnant, but NOTHING compares to the joy i've had taking care of my son. NOTHING.

i mean, look at this kid... can you blame me?

& so, those moments of sadness and doubt? they don't last for long. he's worth it...

we're movin' ya'll

three years ago, eric and i bought our first home. we moved to peoria for three great reasons: eric got a full ride to attend bradley university for his masters, i got a job at my old high school (where i always dreamed of teaching), and my parents live here! we were excited. we bought our house after one day of searching, and never looked back. this house has been pretty perfect for our first home. we made it ours. i've stocked up a thousand memories between these walls.

but, i always knew we'd leave. for whatever reason, peoria has never been it for us. i knew that. even moving boxes upon boxes into this house, i knew we'd be leaving. i knew we'd move on.

in november, they closed my school. woodruff high school has been my second home for many years. i've celebrated 7 birthdays there. i've had some of my proudest moments there. i became a real teacher there. if i think too long about what closing woodruff means to me, i cry. it gets to me at the weirdest moments: when i turn the lights on in an empty auditorium, when i sit alone in my classroom at the end of a day, when the first student says, "Seaaaaaman!" suddenly, i find myself choked up and nostalgic. i find myself helpless to stop something i wish i could. a school closing is like someone you love dying. next year, my students will be shipped off to different high schools and teachers who have taught at the same school, some for 20 years, will be teaching in classrooms across the city. it's a bum deal-- the whole thing.

i don't have tenure yet. i would be getting that next year. but, i always saw myself teaching at woodruff. i always wanted to be a part of the crew that inspired me to become a teacher. next year, that won't exist anymore. do i still love teaching, yes. of course i do. however, i can't explain it, i need something different. oh, and i was pinked slipped-- JERKS.

so, in june, we'll be moving to austin, texas. as of now, i am looking for a part-time job. that's right, PART-TIME. i will be a stay at home mama. there is nothing that makes me feel happier than writing that. i'm going to be a cowboy boot wearin', breast-feedin', liberal in a red state rockin' SAHM.

when we first move to austin, we'll be shackin' it up in eric's parent's awesome RV; we don't know where we'll be after that. we are now in the process of getting rid of roughly 80% of our belongings. i've already been researching play groups for henry and attachment parenting groups for me. when eric and i see pool floaties at target, we squeeze each other's hands and smile. this is right.