28 years young.

Hendrix's new favorite thing to announce is, "I have two babies, mama!" He usually pulls that one out while I'm nursing Roscoe and cuddling him at the same time. He'll sit back and say it as though he's realizing it for the first time, "I have two babies, mama!" Sometimes, he says it more like a question, "I have two babies mama?!" as though he's trying on the idea for size, moving around in his new role as a sibling.

I find myself whispering that to myself in the middle of the night between feedings. I curl up with my pillow after laying a perfect, sighing Roscoe down in his bassinet, in awe of my new life. "I have two babies. Two babies..."

In a lot of ways, I can barely reflect on the past year, because so much of it is all about this. I have two babies. My boys are my whole world. I am happier than I have ever been; I feel more at home in my skin than ever before. Life is so good.

A year ago, as I wrote this, Roscoe was a mere possibility, a conversation. Now he's here. My little boy, my family. I have two babies. There's not much else to tell right now; I am so blessed.

Roscoe Everett!

My little champ is already a week old! I can't believe that's possible. Roscoe is right now the joy of our life. He's absolute magic. I had no idea what to expect welcoming another member to this family, and I have to say, it's just right. He is meant for us, so perfect. He is our family.

His birth was intense. I'll be working on his birth story for a while, I'm sure. Things of note? I had my membranes swept at 10:30 in the morning on March 8th, and he was in my arms by 9:15 that night. It was back labor again. It was absolutely intense. My voice is still hoarse. I terrified most of the other people on the birthing floor. But? It was all natural, not even a tylenol. I died with love right away.

Hendrix loves his little brother. He does. Watching them meet was absolutely amazing.

It hasn't been easy. I can't tell you how much I wish I had 4 arms. Hendrix has been my EVERYTHING for the past 2 and a half years. There isn't a whimper that hasn't been answered immediately by me. And now, there's another whimperer in my house. As a matter of fact, he's kind of a screamer. He can't help it, really. That has been so hard to watch Hendrix deal with. As a matter of fact, I feel like I'm going through it with him. There has been a lot more melt-downs. He's become more aggressive. He's been fighting sleep like a ninja. It's everything you read about, you try to prepare yourself for, but there's nothing like experiencing it. Obviously, it has been breaking my heart. Last night, Eric walked Roscoe to sleep while I rocked Hendo, whispering a million love notes into his ears. He just kept kissing me and saying, "Yove you so much, mommy." I cried and cried after he fell asleep.

Think they look alike?

Obviously this is such a short season in our family. I'll blink and these boys will be fighting over the video game controller. But I so want to do right by the both of them. I want to love them both fully, to give them everything they need to feel whole and safe. For now, I have to remind myself that I'm doing all I can, and trust that all the love I've given and am giving Henry will help him to deal with this transition, and come out of it an even more confident and secure little 2 year old.

GAH. So, there's all that. I love my boys so much. There aren't words. We are so blessed.

Roscoe Everett

March 8th, 2012

7 pounds, 7 ounces

19 1/2 inches

perfect.

Looking back on 2011... and that resolution of mine :)

I don't know if you remember MY 2011 RESOLUTION ? Yeah, it was a big one. Looking back, I think if I had made the rules even more strict, I would feel a lot worse than I do. Honestly, I'd say I stuck to it by about 80%. So, if my goal had been to loose 20 pounds, I would have lost 16 pounds!!! Thinking about it like that, I feel really proud of myself. I have gotten rid of WAY more than I brought into the house. And most of what I did bring into the house adhered to my guidelines, or was calculated. I honestly can't think of a purchase that I regret AT ALL.

Now, one thing I have to say I'm ashamed I could not say goodbye to, and I feel a little guilty about? BABY GAP. Isn't that ridiculous? The truth of the matter is, their sales prices were usually CHEAPER than a lot of the Goodwills around here. Plus, their clothes are so nice and so cute. So, I still bought my lil' dude some new duds. He got a lot more things 2nd hand, but, I couldn't kill that love. And you know what? In the spirit of not being tough on myself, it's okay. :)

I'm proud of myself. I've grown up a lot this year. I'm moving in the right direction for my family.

This year, I don't have a new big resolution. I'm having a baby in 2 months. I'm going to have to adapt and change to accommodate a brand new life. My resolution is to be open, flexible and present. That will be big enough. :)

my first.

As this new little one is squirming around, becoming more present every day, I find myself holding Henry a little tighter. Though I know my relationship with Hen will become even stronger with the addition of his little brother (yes! a boy!), I can't help but feel a little sad. Soon, Henry will be one of two; I will be a mother of two. Things will be harder. Henry won't have my undivided attention, and I won't have his.

You might be thinking, "Duh, Kel." But, I have a tough time with change, okay? The first time Henry ate applesauce, I cried because I wasn't the only one taking care of him anymore-- now fruit was, too! When Henry learned to crawl, part of me couldn't help but feel terrified that he had just begun the inevitable journey of moving AWAY FROM ME. Change is tough for this mama.

So, I've been trying to really savor our last moments of "alone time." I'm putting the computer and the phone down. I'm going outside to play, even if it's cold out. I'm laying on the floor in his room and letting the toys pile up around us. I'm stopping to read every book, even the train one, again and again and again...

Today we had lunch at a restaurant with a friend and her son. Henry wanted to leave. So, he started whining (loudly). Usually, I can be pretty impatient with all that. But today, I asked him if he needed a cuddle. He lifted up his hands, wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. He whined and whimpered into my ear for a minute, as I covered his perfect head in kisses. I told him we'd leave soon enough, and I understood he was anxious. He said, "Okay, mommy," and went back to playing with his toy. There needs to be more of that happening in my life. By "that," I mean patience and perspective.

Henry is my first baby. He will always be. Our relationship will be very special because of that, but this new baby will make our relationship even more wonderful. Though change and evolution are tough for me, I'm also watching Henry become this independent and gracious human being. I am so proud to be his mother, so blessed.

In less than 4 months, God willing, I'll be holding a brand new life in my hands. Henry, who I am sure will look like a teenager by then, will climb into the hospital bed with me and meet his best friend for the first time. I'll hold both of my boys, and I know I'll cry and cry, so thankful for all the beauty change can bring. I might not feel ready by then, but I'll be ready.

the end of an era.

This is the only picture I have of me breast feeding Hendo. The lighting is awful, and I'm so sad I don't have any others. Henry was 2 weeks old. We were still figuring it all out, struggling to get him to latch properly. It took us a while, but we became pros.

Henry has been weaned for a week now. He hasn't asked to nurse at all. It's as if he's forgotten he was glued to my body for the past two years. I fed Henry on demand for two years. It was my goal to breast feed till Hen was 18 months. We blew past that goal, and my new goal became to let Henry wean himself.

I got a lot of flack from people about it. Essentially, just people constantly asking when I was going to wean him. "I'm not." I would say. The closer we got to the two year mark, the more annoying it got. Then, I did start to doubt myself and my decisions. I mean, what if my son slept with us, breast fed and took a pacifier the rest of my life!? Was I making some kind of mistake?

As if he read my fears, Henry started breast feeding less and less. He would latch on for comfort, but wouldn't really drink anything. My body quickly responded, and I stopped producing. For the last week of breast feeding, he would latch on at night for about 30 seconds to each breast and tell me, "All Gone, Mama!"

The weaning process was seamless for us. Henry made the transition himself, and I couldn't have dreamed of a more perfect ending. The only thing I did was apply the "don't offer and don't refuse" principal. Hendrix is now sleeping comfortably through the night (the first time in 2 years-- I know!), and he now rolls over to cuddle up with his blanket to go to sleep (instead of my chest). We're going to be transitioning him to his own bed in the coming months (we've tried many times in the past, but it hasn't been the right time). I'm shocked at how quickly and effortlessly this all happened. Henry seems like he aged overnight. I'm so proud of my little buddy. He's really not a baby anymore.

Breast feeding Henry was magic. I will miss the close bond that the breast feeding relationship gave us. I will miss providing for him in such an intimate way. But, watching Henry become such an independent and wonderful human being is just as rewarding. I can't believe it, but it truly does keep getting better.

2 Whole Years of Awesome..

Dear Hendrix,

You are TWO YEARS OLD TODAY. In 2009, at 12:03 p.m., you popped out into the world, and since that moment, you changed it all, kid. You are the greatest accomplishment of my life, my cutest accessory and my best little buddy.

In the last year, you have blossomed into a little man. You are amazed by the smallest details of life, and you help me remember how amazing this world is-- even the clumps of dirt. You are a country boy, which I guess I could have seen coming. Even as a baby, nothing would make you smile more than a walk or resting on a blanket in the sunshine. Now? There is no substitute for the outdoors. Sometimes, you kick off your shoes to ROLL IN THE DIRT. We usually have to drag you, kicking and screaming, to come inside and cool off. I finally broke down and bought you a pair of overalls the other day, and you beamed when I put them on you. You puffed out your chest and announced, "Henry! Farmer!" Farmers are your heros, and I can't help but think that is the coolest thing.

You are so smart. I know every mom says this. But seriously! You're going places-- like libraries and schools and probably Harvard. You are using language more efficiently every day. Half the stuff you come up with, we have no idea where it's from. You just pick up everything! You love books and are constantly telling me what things are. If it weren't for you, I would have no idea there are so many trucks or boys around.

Henry, in the next 12 months, you're going to grow up so much. Your dad and I are insanely proud of you. We love every tiny bit of you. We love watching you learn new things, and we can't wait to see you as a big brother! Please know that in these coming months, your parents are your biggest fans. Becoming a 3 year old is tough. Some people call this year the "terrible twos." But you? You are anything but terrible, and we are here to help and encourage you as you explore this world and make your mark in it.

Grow on, little man. Though it's all going too fast, we're along for the ride. We love you, Hendo. Happy, Happy Birthday!

13 months!

14 months-- photo taken by my good friend, Amy Werner

15 months!

16 months!

17 months!

18 months

19 months

20 months!!

21 months!

22 months!

23 months.

2. years. old.

on slowing down.

Right now, Hendo is down for his afternoon nap. I've just finished taking a blanket in from off the line and putting a casserole in the fridge for dinner tonight. My house is relatively clean and after writing this and picking up a few toys, I'm cracking open a Diet Coke and reading the book I've been renewing for the last two months, "The Guide to Simple Living" (which I've written about before).

My days have been more like this and less like the crazy pace I was used to. I'm slowing down, deliberately. I finished the documentary "No Impact Man" the other day. There is a scene in the middle of the movie, where Colin Beavan talks about how doing away with air conditioning forced his family outside. How, being without a TV forced them off of the couch. Suddenly, they had to be creative with their free time. In this scene, his daughter dunks her head in a park fountain, the joy in her face is undeniable. We're a couch culture, a comfort culture. And, there is definitely a place for vegging out every now and again, but, I would argue, it's not as good for our souls.

I realized how down I was, and so, I've been getting out more. I've been closing this computer screen and sitting on the floor with Henry more. Yesterday, Eric and I started tilling up ground for our fall garden. I've been staying up late by myself so I have time I need to breathe and rest. I've been saying "no" to engagements, not because I don't adore the people in my life, but because otherwise, I'd have a full schedule, and I don't want one. I've been praying a LOT more and forcing myself to challenge those parts of myself I don't like very much.

I've been slowing down, and for me? It's better this way.

late night conversations with myself.

Baby Girl,

It's okay to stand up for yourself, but you can't do it if you have to step on someone else to get there. Let that small stuff go. You don't always have to be right. So, let someone else think they are if it helps mend conflict. Don't be a mean girl. Be a forgiving girl, they sleep better at night.

Stop chasing things that you can find within your own beating heart or in the laugh of your son's play. Breathe and Listen. PRAY. Please stop forgetting to pray.

Read something wonderful during Hen's nap-time instead of always cleaning. You can deal with dirty dishes, but you can't go on smiling with a hungry soul. Make your well-being more of a priority. You are responsible for your own happiness. GO OUT AND GET YOU SOME.

Enough Diet Coke, girl. Seriously. WE BOTH KNOW HOW LONG AGO YOU BOUGHT THAT 12 PACK. It's shameful. Brew yourself some sun tea. It's summer for goodness sakes. You could even carry it around in mason jars. You know, write a novel about it.

Let go and let God. Did you catch the let go part? LET GO.

first hair cut

I've been putting off Henry's first hair cut for the past few weeks, because I was secretly hoping curls would take over his head, and I would just let him start growing his Michael Bolton look. Instead, Hendo has been bringing baseball caps to me in the morning and saying, "On!" The result of this new obsession was straight crimped hair that fell into his eyes. So, it was time.

We went to a place called Sharkeys. It was a blast. Henry got to sit in a Ferrari and watch Barney. Older kids were playing video games. It was awesome.

Mid hair cut, he freaked out. So, I got to hold him, his little blonde curls tumbling to the linoleum floor.

My mom told me, "Kelly, you won't believe how much he looks like a little man after that first cut." She was too right.

on the eve of 27

Killed myself when I was young

With my fingers on a poison gun

'Cause I had to come back new

Wanna walk on the ocean blue

"Killed Myself When I Was Young" -A.A. Bondy

This past year has been about a lot of things for me. I feel like I've learned so much about myself, about the woman I am and the woman I want to become. I know I can be pretty hard on myself. I spend a ridiculous amount of time critiquing and correcting my choices, my behavior. I know I do a lot of that on this blog. Part of me wants to rid myself of that, but I also want to embrace it. I want to be the best version of myself, and I know that doesn't happen without reflection. I really do believe it's necessary for growth, for renewal.

Don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for.
Don't cry child, you've got something I would die for
And if it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again
'Cause so many don't.
And so many go unnamed.

"Failure" -- Laura Marling

I moved to a new state this year. I moved away from my closest family and friends. Suddenly, I was living my own life. That was so empowering and so very scary. I think a lot of this past year has been me realizing that I am my own person. I am living my own life. In the past few months, I've really come to terms with the fact that I'm an adult. I know that seems like something I should have realized a long time ago, but for some reason, I hadn't. I've found a new sense of independence of competence that I don't think I had embraced before.

Everything I've learned I have forgotten
Everything I've forgotten looks just like new

"Eyes on the Prize" -M. Ward

When we first moved here, it was tough--really tough. I honestly felt as insecure as I did in junior high, and those of you who know my junior high stories know that's pretty terrible. I felt so lonely, so friendless, so unlike myself. I really floundered for a while. Slowly but surely, it got better. At first, I took some time to be okay with being alone. I really grew during that time. Then, I branched out. I met friends at book club, at the YMCA gym class and at church. Sure enough, I made friends. Some of whom I honestly think could be lifetime friends. I can honestly say I need people in my life; I do. I was not made to be an island.

How do I know when it's time to stop?
Runnin' from the things I do, being things I'm not
Oh I have tried, but I just changed my mind
Every night befalls every morning light

"Please Pardon Yourself" -Avett Brothers

One thing I've been trying to do lately is be more honest with myself and with those around me. So often, I find myself curbing my opinions and thoughts. I find myself faking it, to an extent. I don't like that. I don't want to become abrasive, but I also don't want to be untrue to myself. I think part of me growing up is being sure enough of my opinions and beliefs to stand up for them, also being able to stand up for myself. I think most people see me as a pretty confident human being, but most days, I really struggle with self doubt. I need to trust myself more. That self doubt is a killer of progress. In the next year I promise I will forgive myself. I will seek out more of the good in the people around me instead of focusing on the bad. I will spend more time being grateful for what I have than focusing on what I don't. I will spend more time alone, listening instead of thinking. I will seek God.

I used to think if I could realize i'd die

then I would be a lot nicer

used to believe in a lot more

now I just see straight ahead

"Science Versus Romance" Rilo Kiley

The facebook wishes are already starting to roll in. My eyes are heavy, but my heart is full. Another year is passed, and I'm stronger for it.

2011 Resolution Check- in

Honestly? So far, so good. I've slipped up here and there, but I literally went into Target last week and came out with only food. That's right people. The unthinkable happened. I didn't buy anything, not even the adorable shirt I saw on sale for 5 bucks. I walked right on by.

Here, however, are some of the deals I've gotten at the ole' Goodwill:

These brand new DKNY jeans? 6.99... Also, they make my butt look amazing, if I do say so myself.

This basket? 4.99. I needed something big enough to corral all of Hendrix's stuffed animals, and this baby is PERFECT. I'm toying (pun intended) with the idea of spray painting it a fun color...

This Melissa and Doug puzzle? 1.99 ! :)

This Fossil purse? 4.99... I LOVE IT!!!!!

I've really been having fun shopping around for things we need/ want. It's also felt great to walk through a store and PUT SOMETHING BACK ON THE SHELF when I realize that I'm about to buy something new.

Some other stuff we're doing. Eric and I have started travelling to the RED BOX. Yes, we're a bit late to this obsession, but we've been eating in more (another way we're tightening our belt). So, after dinner, we put Henry to bed and reward ourselves with a flick. Both of these guys were pretty great by the way!

I'm selling some of Hen's old baby clothes on consignment. I drop the stuff off and as it sells, I can come in and either cash out my earnings or use them for a store discounted rate. SO AWESOME.

At the end of the day, I'm TRYING. I really am. I know that my "need to spend" is something that comes from a silly place, a place that is insecure and disillusioned about what really matters in life. It's something I know my resolution is helping me to take a hard look at. I was talking to my little sister, and she told me there was someone on Oprah who bought NOTHING for a year except food. They didn't see a movie, didn't even get a hair cut! What I'm doing is small potatoes compared to that, but it's a step in the right direction.

So, what direction are you headed? How have you tightened (or loosened) the belt this year? Could you go a year without spending?

new project.

I'm working on a little project, something to have up in the house to remind me that time flies. It's insane to see the progression of Henry's smile, his hair, his attitude. He's a little boy now, toddling around, exploring the world. He used to be curled up inside of me, mine only, knowing only my voice. Now, he's discovering his own voice, carving out his own place in the world.

in the womb.

newbie

3 months

I'm getting better at appreciating the new role I will take in this next chapter of his life. I have a ridiculous urge to hold him back, to stop him from growing. That's unhealthy, for the both of us. My little guy is growing up, and it's up to me to help him do that in a free, nurturing and safe environment.

6 months

9 months

1 year

Oh, Hendo. You have no idea what you put this heart of mine through, but I promise I'll get better at letting you get older. It was a losing battle anyhow.

friends

So, I went to a book club meeting tonight. I seriously feel so hyped up from the social interaction, I might combust with joy.

IT. WAS. AWESOME.

Eric watched Henry, and when I got home, they were snuggled up together in bed, ying and yang style. I don't know if y'all caught that, but-- ahem-- ERIC PUT HENRY TO SLEEP. Seriously. Miracles happen everyday. Eric was so excited for me to get out. I was worried about Henry falling asleep without me, but Eric practically shoved me out of the door. Maybe Eric is hoping if he pushes me out of the house more often, I might expand my sweat pant rotation. But, let's not get crazy.

To be real, there was something about a group of women getting together to do something that is so empowering. So many of the women said things like, "I'm just lonely." And as much as I like to put on a brave face; I'm really lonely, too. It is so tough to make friends! I've tried the whole, "Oh, hey, you have a kid and we're both in the grocery store" thing, but I usually lose people at the whole, "Hey, not to be weird or anything but can I get your digits?" Because you know what? IT IS WEIRD.

So, anyway. I hope I'm not speaking too soon, but book club was the greatest. Now, where did I put my pjs?

Dear Kelly Ann,

It's almost a new year, my dear. You are 26 years young. You are trying every day to be a better person. But, go easy, huh?

This year, it's about you, girl. It's about finding yourself. It's about finding God. It's about finding that ebb and flow, that comfortable cadence to life that so easily eludes you.

So; read more books, write more,nap with Hen, make good food and gain a few pounds.

Forgive yourself.

Move forward. Make a new voice.

For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

a productive day WITOUT FACEBOOK.

The past few days, I haven't logged onto facebook AT ALL. Let me make something clear, I seriously spend a TON of time on Facebook. It's embarrasing.

BUT I AM TAKING CONTROL OF MY FREE TIME. Today, I drove to Temple to pick up my friend's dog. We're watching her Little Izzy for the next few weeks. I will be spending a lot of time stopping Henry from RIPPING THE HAIR OFF OF HER HEAD.

When I got home, I set up our folding table and folded 6 LOADS OF LAUNDRY.

Then, I rocked my little man to sleep. He slept for 2.5 hours, and believe me, I WAS THANKFUL.
So, I rewarded myself with some much needed Mama Time. I read a few chapters of "Women and Money," drank a Diet Cherry Coke, and ate some chocolate cookies.

After Mama Time, I tackled something that has been on my to-do list for a LONG WHILE -- the linen closet:

SHAMEFUL. I unloaded everything onto the folding table and sorted it:

And voila:

& finally at the end of the night, we spent some quality time with Dad!

Then after playing with Daddy, I put little man down, and I am now sitting with my main man watching Friday Night Lights and BLOGGING.

All in all, good day. And you know what? I didn't miss Facebook at all. Okay, maybe a little.