Looking back on 2011... and that resolution of mine :)

I don't know if you remember MY 2011 RESOLUTION ? Yeah, it was a big one. Looking back, I think if I had made the rules even more strict, I would feel a lot worse than I do. Honestly, I'd say I stuck to it by about 80%. So, if my goal had been to loose 20 pounds, I would have lost 16 pounds!!! Thinking about it like that, I feel really proud of myself. I have gotten rid of WAY more than I brought into the house. And most of what I did bring into the house adhered to my guidelines, or was calculated. I honestly can't think of a purchase that I regret AT ALL.

Now, one thing I have to say I'm ashamed I could not say goodbye to, and I feel a little guilty about? BABY GAP. Isn't that ridiculous? The truth of the matter is, their sales prices were usually CHEAPER than a lot of the Goodwills around here. Plus, their clothes are so nice and so cute. So, I still bought my lil' dude some new duds. He got a lot more things 2nd hand, but, I couldn't kill that love. And you know what? In the spirit of not being tough on myself, it's okay. :)

I'm proud of myself. I've grown up a lot this year. I'm moving in the right direction for my family.

This year, I don't have a new big resolution. I'm having a baby in 2 months. I'm going to have to adapt and change to accommodate a brand new life. My resolution is to be open, flexible and present. That will be big enough. :)

my first.

As this new little one is squirming around, becoming more present every day, I find myself holding Henry a little tighter. Though I know my relationship with Hen will become even stronger with the addition of his little brother (yes! a boy!), I can't help but feel a little sad. Soon, Henry will be one of two; I will be a mother of two. Things will be harder. Henry won't have my undivided attention, and I won't have his.

You might be thinking, "Duh, Kel." But, I have a tough time with change, okay? The first time Henry ate applesauce, I cried because I wasn't the only one taking care of him anymore-- now fruit was, too! When Henry learned to crawl, part of me couldn't help but feel terrified that he had just begun the inevitable journey of moving AWAY FROM ME. Change is tough for this mama.

So, I've been trying to really savor our last moments of "alone time." I'm putting the computer and the phone down. I'm going outside to play, even if it's cold out. I'm laying on the floor in his room and letting the toys pile up around us. I'm stopping to read every book, even the train one, again and again and again...

Today we had lunch at a restaurant with a friend and her son. Henry wanted to leave. So, he started whining (loudly). Usually, I can be pretty impatient with all that. But today, I asked him if he needed a cuddle. He lifted up his hands, wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. He whined and whimpered into my ear for a minute, as I covered his perfect head in kisses. I told him we'd leave soon enough, and I understood he was anxious. He said, "Okay, mommy," and went back to playing with his toy. There needs to be more of that happening in my life. By "that," I mean patience and perspective.

Henry is my first baby. He will always be. Our relationship will be very special because of that, but this new baby will make our relationship even more wonderful. Though change and evolution are tough for me, I'm also watching Henry become this independent and gracious human being. I am so proud to be his mother, so blessed.

In less than 4 months, God willing, I'll be holding a brand new life in my hands. Henry, who I am sure will look like a teenager by then, will climb into the hospital bed with me and meet his best friend for the first time. I'll hold both of my boys, and I know I'll cry and cry, so thankful for all the beauty change can bring. I might not feel ready by then, but I'll be ready.

my baby in the rain.

Let the rain kiss you. Let the rain beat upon your head with silver liquid drops. Let the rain sing you a lullaby. -- Langston Hughes

Our much needed rain came at around dinner time. I saw the drops start and opened the back door. Henry ran to see the rain. Instantly, he started taking his clothes off, and then, he started to DANCE. My little boy, DANCING IN THE RAIN. Henry has always been such a bright, joyful spirit. I can't help but look back at another picture of him in the rain from last year:

It goes so fast. My beautiful baby is becoming more and more a kid every day. I'm so proud of the little person he's becoming. I pray I can foster his bright spirit, protect it. I pray I always let him play in the rain.

on slowing down.

Right now, Hendo is down for his afternoon nap. I've just finished taking a blanket in from off the line and putting a casserole in the fridge for dinner tonight. My house is relatively clean and after writing this and picking up a few toys, I'm cracking open a Diet Coke and reading the book I've been renewing for the last two months, "The Guide to Simple Living" (which I've written about before).

My days have been more like this and less like the crazy pace I was used to. I'm slowing down, deliberately. I finished the documentary "No Impact Man" the other day. There is a scene in the middle of the movie, where Colin Beavan talks about how doing away with air conditioning forced his family outside. How, being without a TV forced them off of the couch. Suddenly, they had to be creative with their free time. In this scene, his daughter dunks her head in a park fountain, the joy in her face is undeniable. We're a couch culture, a comfort culture. And, there is definitely a place for vegging out every now and again, but, I would argue, it's not as good for our souls.

I realized how down I was, and so, I've been getting out more. I've been closing this computer screen and sitting on the floor with Henry more. Yesterday, Eric and I started tilling up ground for our fall garden. I've been staying up late by myself so I have time I need to breathe and rest. I've been saying "no" to engagements, not because I don't adore the people in my life, but because otherwise, I'd have a full schedule, and I don't want one. I've been praying a LOT more and forcing myself to challenge those parts of myself I don't like very much.

I've been slowing down, and for me? It's better this way.