on the eve of 27

Killed myself when I was young

With my fingers on a poison gun

'Cause I had to come back new

Wanna walk on the ocean blue

"Killed Myself When I Was Young" -A.A. Bondy

This past year has been about a lot of things for me. I feel like I've learned so much about myself, about the woman I am and the woman I want to become. I know I can be pretty hard on myself. I spend a ridiculous amount of time critiquing and correcting my choices, my behavior. I know I do a lot of that on this blog. Part of me wants to rid myself of that, but I also want to embrace it. I want to be the best version of myself, and I know that doesn't happen without reflection. I really do believe it's necessary for growth, for renewal.

Don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for.
Don't cry child, you've got something I would die for
And if it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again
'Cause so many don't.
And so many go unnamed.

"Failure" -- Laura Marling

I moved to a new state this year. I moved away from my closest family and friends. Suddenly, I was living my own life. That was so empowering and so very scary. I think a lot of this past year has been me realizing that I am my own person. I am living my own life. In the past few months, I've really come to terms with the fact that I'm an adult. I know that seems like something I should have realized a long time ago, but for some reason, I hadn't. I've found a new sense of independence of competence that I don't think I had embraced before.

Everything I've learned I have forgotten
Everything I've forgotten looks just like new

"Eyes on the Prize" -M. Ward

When we first moved here, it was tough--really tough. I honestly felt as insecure as I did in junior high, and those of you who know my junior high stories know that's pretty terrible. I felt so lonely, so friendless, so unlike myself. I really floundered for a while. Slowly but surely, it got better. At first, I took some time to be okay with being alone. I really grew during that time. Then, I branched out. I met friends at book club, at the YMCA gym class and at church. Sure enough, I made friends. Some of whom I honestly think could be lifetime friends. I can honestly say I need people in my life; I do. I was not made to be an island.

How do I know when it's time to stop?
Runnin' from the things I do, being things I'm not
Oh I have tried, but I just changed my mind
Every night befalls every morning light

"Please Pardon Yourself" -Avett Brothers

One thing I've been trying to do lately is be more honest with myself and with those around me. So often, I find myself curbing my opinions and thoughts. I find myself faking it, to an extent. I don't like that. I don't want to become abrasive, but I also don't want to be untrue to myself. I think part of me growing up is being sure enough of my opinions and beliefs to stand up for them, also being able to stand up for myself. I think most people see me as a pretty confident human being, but most days, I really struggle with self doubt. I need to trust myself more. That self doubt is a killer of progress. In the next year I promise I will forgive myself. I will seek out more of the good in the people around me instead of focusing on the bad. I will spend more time being grateful for what I have than focusing on what I don't. I will spend more time alone, listening instead of thinking. I will seek God.

I used to think if I could realize i'd die

then I would be a lot nicer

used to believe in a lot more

now I just see straight ahead

"Science Versus Romance" Rilo Kiley

The facebook wishes are already starting to roll in. My eyes are heavy, but my heart is full. Another year is passed, and I'm stronger for it.