life has been ridiculously busy lately. the house is almost built, hendrix is closer to walking than i'd like to admit, and i'm doing enough laundry to open a business.
i'm tired most days. when i get in bed, my mind is racing. i've been writing more in my journal, trying to figure my own head and heart out. it's so tempting to come into this forum and pretend that everything is comin' up roses, but that's just not truthful. things have been hard down here. transition is just tough-- there's no other way to tell it. we're living in an RV, and while part of me can shade that as terribly romantic, like something out of a wes anderson film. but the truth is, RVs don't hold air well, okay? and, during the night, the air comes on and off like a banshee, stirring hendrix and waking me up EVERY. TIME. living with the constant company of my in-laws is both wonderful and terrible at the same time. eric and i find ourselves hugging each other for the first time at 9 at night, craving alone time. we are ready for space of our own again. i'm still trying to figure out how to balance my new role as MOM without resorting to a 1950s persona-- it's tougher than i thought it would be. for example, how does a feminist make a meatloaf? i have to figure out these things. :)
in the midst of all this crazy, there is a great deal of good, too. i'm home with henry. with my little buddy. he's going through this stage where all he wants is mom. i don't know what i would do if i had to hand him over to a daycare, kicking and screaming. it would truly break me. instead, i'm with him all day. i get to see the littlest nuances of his development. he's so much a part of me. so much a part of eric. he's our little guy. he's becoming such a wonderful person.
eric and i have been working on strengthening our relationship. i'm so lucky to be with someone who makes me a better person, and who challenges me when i'm not. we're constantly using the stresses in our life here to identify where we can become better, for each other and for henry. i know that as we continue to transition, we'll do so together.
i'm dreaming of this little house, ready to settle into a new space, both physically and emotionally. so ready.
Kel --
ReplyDeleteI've gone over this in my mind a million times in the past six months. I truly believe that creating a family-centric, nurturing, handmade home is so courageously feminist even though it's contrary to what we've been taught. Raising your children outside of today's mainstream and instilling in them values of wholesomeness, appreciation for the earth and respect for others -- a new way of life -- that can all be accomplished through your living at home.
Make sure you have hobbies, activities that you're doing through the day that bring you joy. Even though you're home with Hendrix doesn't mean that all your time should be spent with him or focused on him. Do something for yourself every day, be it blogging or baking or sewing. I think that without that something, you will get bored real fast.
I have some books listed in my blog shop -- consider picking them up or getting them from a library. The ones by Amanda Blake Soul are truly amazing.
I'm envious of your time to explore new ground for and with your family!
I think that feminism is all about choices - having them! You chose to stay at home and that should be celebrated because you are exercising your choice. And I guess as far as meatloaf goes, maybe it's all in the wording of it. A "I WANT/CHOOSE to make meatloaf" instead of "I HAVE to make meatloaf." I think pretty much just following your heart is the best way to infuse pride into the race of women. <3
ReplyDeletefirst of all, i hope you aren't getting the idea that i'm standing in the kitchen terrified of an apron or something. i have just been struggling with keeping my sense of self, when my daily routine has completely changed. does that make sense?
ReplyDeletei think part of the reason i'm having the trouble i'm having is LARGELY due to the fact that i don't have my own space. i think virginia woolfe was right-- women need a "room of their own" to create and be. right now, i'm feeling very without. i'm loving staying home. i WISH every woman had a choice to stay home or not. i'm so blessed, because i am RIGHT WHERE I WANT TO BE.
& kelli, her books are on my MUST BUY list. :) she's amazing.
love you girls. thanks for the encouragement. xoxo
hugs to you, kelly!
ReplyDeleteTransition is always very hard. Even if you are excited about the change. It's still hard. But it will get better. I'm glad you have two boys you love so much. Seeing their faces every day will get you through this tough spot.
Also, I SOOOO relate to needing your own space, and struggling to find your place in someone else's world/home. We moved in with Nate's parents when Simon was 6-9 months old. Those three months were very hard for me. I was just finding my identity as a mother, barely had a grasp on it, and then we moved into the home of a very organized older lady, who had no trouble cooking for us all, cleaning up after all of us, and spending seemingly endless hours a day loving on my baby. I quickly lost my sense of self, even while appreciating all she was doing for us. By the time we left I was a mess, convinced that Simon thought Debby was his mommy and I was practically a stranger, because I hadn't known how to hold on to my own role. I got past it, but it was difficult, and I empathize. Not to mention the whole sneaking around to try to have silent sex with your husband. That's never good. :-)
Hang in there, girly. It will get better. How long til the house is ready? What's the outlook?
Also I want to say, just because you're a SAHM doesn't mean you have to make meatloaf. I never have.
xoxoxoxo