my little sister.

My little sister was born two years after me. She was sucked out of the world by a vacuum, because I think she preferred hanging out in a small quiet place. Or, maybe she just didn't want to start getting beat up by me.

That day, I gained the best friend I could ever ask for. Bethany holds all of my secrets, my worst and best memories and all of my heart. She is honest, generous and kind. She is never afraid to tell me the truth, and she has my best interests at heart. She challenges me to be a better version of myself.

Right now, Booper is in the Peace Corps serving in Moldova. Words can't begin to describe how proud I am of her. She is working to get hand washing stations installed in her school and medical center. She speaks Romanian now, fluently. She looks over her shoulder and translates whole paragraphs effortlessly to her host parents, who smile at her and love her with their whole hearts.

When Bethany told me she was applying for the Peace Corps, part of me thought she was joking. A small part of me thought she wouldn't carry through with it. I don't know if I could have. She lives alone, speaking a different language, eating foreign food and living a life without Diet Coke. :) My little sister, who was scared to go to Homecoming alone, is now inspiring full classrooms of students, and no doubt saving lives with her service. She flies back into Chicago in June. Eric and I are planning our trip now so that I can meet her at her gate with the biggest hug. My little sister, my hero.

Bethany, when she has time, will be blogging here.

the new year.

The close of a year always brings me to major self reflection. Sadly, I am sometimes too hard on myself; so it brings me to self- loath. I wish I was easier on myself (perhaps that's something I can work on in the new year).

Things I'm addressing now:

- I've taken a hiatus from Facebook. For now, it's projected to last until January 1st, but it may very well last longer. I need to gain control of my "free time." Hendrix is curious and creative, and I need to nurture and inspire that in him. Telling him, "Give mommy a minute while I finish reading this person's ridiculous status update" isn't cutting it.

-I've borrowed Suze Orman's book, "Women & Money." I'm educating myself. I am creating a budget and a goal plan for the new year. Also, note: BORROWED. I joined the library. WOO-HAH!

-I've started Henry's scrapbook... Yes, this might have started a little late, but I'm super proud of the progress I've made so far. I plan on it being the coolest scrapbook ever. I'm having way more fun with it than I though.

-I've been making dinner. Albeit not insanely impressive, I've made dinner BY MYSELF the past two nights in a row. Tonight, I held an impromptu dinner for 10 people, and I only freaked out for an hour about it.

-I'm preparing myself mentally for my new year's resolution. I want to be insanely committed to it. I want it to change my life.

WHAT IS IT? YOU ASK?

I'm not buying anything new in the New Year.

Let me explain. I have a problem. It's really been an ongoing one for me. However, since I became a stay at home mama, it's gotten much worse. I BUY THINGS. I'm a buyer. No, I don't have an addiction to Gucci bags or designer clothes. I just buy STUFF. I can't even tell you the things I buy, because half the time I come home and I'm like: 0__0 why did I buy this shirt? i didn't need it! Repeat. Repeat.

Here are the ground rules:

• Obviously, I can buy new food/ groceries. DUH. However, I'm working on a budget/ making more dinners at home. So, my trips to the grocery store will be different than they have been. I'll make a list and stick to it. I'll go in with a plan.
• Things that Henry really NEEDS: sippie cups, binky's, random baby things that he would put into his mouth? WILL BE BOUGHT NEW.
• However, clothes for Henry? SECOND HAND, baby. There are a lot of awesome Goodwill's/ Consignment stores around here. So, Hendo will be rockin' recycled goods. I have a feeling he won't know the difference, but MY GAP CARD WILL.
• Birthday gifts can be bought new, but I will try my best to buy them used if possible. This (yay), will mean that trips to Goodwill will be about inspiration and fun. If I see something that I like for someone, but their birthday isn't for a few months? I'll buy it. Hopefully this will equal more thoughtfulness and less last minute scrambling.
• If Eric is with me, I can buy something new. Ahem. Eric made me put this in the ground rules. We VERY RARELY go shopping together (we're talking MAYBE 4 times a year), but when we do, he likes to spoil me a little. So, if I'm with E, we can splurge a little.
• IF I GET PREGNANT IN THE NEW YEAR... little baby things can be bought new (nothin' crazy... but, you know). Note: this is not at ALL in the works. :)

I have no idea how this will shape my new year, but I'm thinking quite a bit. I have a feeling it might shape my life. I need to work on my addiction to STUFF. I have got to get a hold before I become one of those peeps on Hoarders. SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY.

What do you think? Should I tighten my ground rules even more? Am I being crazy? Any bloggers you know doing something similar?

the multi-tasking mother

eric and i started reading cornel west's memoir over christmas break. cornel is a power house philosopher, but an even stronger person. in his memoir, he talks at length about his work ethic. he's the type that greets the morning sun with a coffee and book in hand, ready to change the world. his life story is amazing, but he left me constantly wondering, how does he do it? how does he juggle book deals, teaching, family, relationships, travel, and still find time to put a smile on?

lately? i've been stressed; i've been overwhelmed. i'm sure this is nothing that would surprise anyone. however, i'm not usually the type to feel incompetent of keeping it together. becoming a mother has been the most amazing experience. it's made me stronger, more alive. but, it's also made me responsible for another human being 24/7, and that's a lot to handle. most days, i'm lucky if i get ANYTHING done after returning to work. i could come up with a million excuses for the way things are going, but that doesn't quite cut it for me.

you see, i want to be the type of mom that does it all. i realize this might be an unattainable goal, but i want it so badly. i think we all know those people that make the rest of us feel bad-- the people that eat "to-do" lists for breakfast. those people exist. they are REAL. they get stuff done. and i want to be one of those people.

i have this terrible fear that i'm going to look back on my life and somehow feel cheated, like i could have been all those things i wanted to be but was too lazy. i think that may be my greatest fear. i am terrified of mediocrity, of the status quo.

& so, my new years resolution? to become accountable to that mother of my dreams. i want to BECOME HER. i recognize i am now mothering an infant. i know he probably doesn't care that his mom doesn't have it all together. but someday? i want him to feel completely secure and happy. i know that if i don't feel completely secure and happy within myself, i can't make that world real for him. and that? it ain't happenin'.