Dear Kelly Ann,

It's almost a new year, my dear. You are 26 years young. You are trying every day to be a better person. But, go easy, huh?

This year, it's about you, girl. It's about finding yourself. It's about finding God. It's about finding that ebb and flow, that comfortable cadence to life that so easily eludes you.

So; read more books, write more,nap with Hen, make good food and gain a few pounds.

Forgive yourself.

Move forward. Make a new voice.

For last year's words belong to last year's language

And next year's words await another voice.

And to make an end is to make a beginning.

T.S. Eliot, "Little Gidding"

american girl

You might not have been me. You might have circled a toy in a catalogue and actually GOTTEN IT for Christmas. But me? I spent a lot of time circling and dreaming, knowing full well I would most likely not get the toy. I know that sounds ridiculously sad, like I was in some way jilted of a perfect childhood, or neglected in some way. I wasn't. I was an extremely loved and blessed little girl. But... BUT, I was a loved and blessed little girl WITHOUT an American Girl doll, and thus, I was MISERABLE.

I cannot tell you how much I loved the American Girl Doll catalogue. I FAWNED over each page and accessory. I folded over the corners, took it in the bathroom while I pooped, and even slept with it underneath my pillow. I wanted an American Girl doll more than I wanted world peace, more than my sister, more than a puppy. And you know what? I never got one. NEVER.

Specifically? I wanted Molly. MOLLY, with her adorable braids, her cute glasses, her curious expression, and her flirtation with activism. Molly was ME. I was MOLLY. Without her, I was a nerd without a friend. I was alone in the world.

WELL YOU KNOW WHAT? I'M NOT ALONE ANYMORE:

My mom is seriously the greatest. She not only got me my DREAM PRESENT, but she got almost every accessory. I cried like a little girl when I opened it. She remembered. I know for years my mom has felt guilty about not being able to get me the doll when I was little. I hope she can forgive herself now, because I think the 26 year old me will take much better care of this insanely priced toy than the 10 year old me.

Now onto some real stuff: How do I display her without being weird? Also, how much is too much to spend on her chifforobe/ bed?

merry christmas

Aside from a minor emotional breakdown when my corn casserole bubbled over and started a small oven fire, I kept it together this year. We had the whole Texas crew at our house (12 people) for Christmas Eve and Christmas day. Honestly, it went fine, but I really think if we host again, I'll be only doing ONE or the other. It was a little much...

My family comes from Illinois today. They'll be here in 4 hours, and I AM STOKED. I'm still bustling around trying to get the house cleaned up from the last few days. Tis the season, eh?

So tell me, how did you keep it together this season? Did you entertain or travel? Any advice for a rookie like me? How does Martha do it without breaking down at the kitchen sink and demanding everyone go home? HOW DOES SHE DO IT?

a productive day WITOUT FACEBOOK.

The past few days, I haven't logged onto facebook AT ALL. Let me make something clear, I seriously spend a TON of time on Facebook. It's embarrasing.

BUT I AM TAKING CONTROL OF MY FREE TIME. Today, I drove to Temple to pick up my friend's dog. We're watching her Little Izzy for the next few weeks. I will be spending a lot of time stopping Henry from RIPPING THE HAIR OFF OF HER HEAD.

When I got home, I set up our folding table and folded 6 LOADS OF LAUNDRY.

Then, I rocked my little man to sleep. He slept for 2.5 hours, and believe me, I WAS THANKFUL.
So, I rewarded myself with some much needed Mama Time. I read a few chapters of "Women and Money," drank a Diet Cherry Coke, and ate some chocolate cookies.

After Mama Time, I tackled something that has been on my to-do list for a LONG WHILE -- the linen closet:

SHAMEFUL. I unloaded everything onto the folding table and sorted it:

And voila:

& finally at the end of the night, we spent some quality time with Dad!

Then after playing with Daddy, I put little man down, and I am now sitting with my main man watching Friday Night Lights and BLOGGING.

All in all, good day. And you know what? I didn't miss Facebook at all. Okay, maybe a little.

the new year.

The close of a year always brings me to major self reflection. Sadly, I am sometimes too hard on myself; so it brings me to self- loath. I wish I was easier on myself (perhaps that's something I can work on in the new year).

Things I'm addressing now:

- I've taken a hiatus from Facebook. For now, it's projected to last until January 1st, but it may very well last longer. I need to gain control of my "free time." Hendrix is curious and creative, and I need to nurture and inspire that in him. Telling him, "Give mommy a minute while I finish reading this person's ridiculous status update" isn't cutting it.

-I've borrowed Suze Orman's book, "Women & Money." I'm educating myself. I am creating a budget and a goal plan for the new year. Also, note: BORROWED. I joined the library. WOO-HAH!

-I've started Henry's scrapbook... Yes, this might have started a little late, but I'm super proud of the progress I've made so far. I plan on it being the coolest scrapbook ever. I'm having way more fun with it than I though.

-I've been making dinner. Albeit not insanely impressive, I've made dinner BY MYSELF the past two nights in a row. Tonight, I held an impromptu dinner for 10 people, and I only freaked out for an hour about it.

-I'm preparing myself mentally for my new year's resolution. I want to be insanely committed to it. I want it to change my life.

WHAT IS IT? YOU ASK?

I'm not buying anything new in the New Year.

Let me explain. I have a problem. It's really been an ongoing one for me. However, since I became a stay at home mama, it's gotten much worse. I BUY THINGS. I'm a buyer. No, I don't have an addiction to Gucci bags or designer clothes. I just buy STUFF. I can't even tell you the things I buy, because half the time I come home and I'm like: 0__0 why did I buy this shirt? i didn't need it! Repeat. Repeat.

Here are the ground rules:

• Obviously, I can buy new food/ groceries. DUH. However, I'm working on a budget/ making more dinners at home. So, my trips to the grocery store will be different than they have been. I'll make a list and stick to it. I'll go in with a plan.
• Things that Henry really NEEDS: sippie cups, binky's, random baby things that he would put into his mouth? WILL BE BOUGHT NEW.
• However, clothes for Henry? SECOND HAND, baby. There are a lot of awesome Goodwill's/ Consignment stores around here. So, Hendo will be rockin' recycled goods. I have a feeling he won't know the difference, but MY GAP CARD WILL.
• Birthday gifts can be bought new, but I will try my best to buy them used if possible. This (yay), will mean that trips to Goodwill will be about inspiration and fun. If I see something that I like for someone, but their birthday isn't for a few months? I'll buy it. Hopefully this will equal more thoughtfulness and less last minute scrambling.
• If Eric is with me, I can buy something new. Ahem. Eric made me put this in the ground rules. We VERY RARELY go shopping together (we're talking MAYBE 4 times a year), but when we do, he likes to spoil me a little. So, if I'm with E, we can splurge a little.
• IF I GET PREGNANT IN THE NEW YEAR... little baby things can be bought new (nothin' crazy... but, you know). Note: this is not at ALL in the works. :)

I have no idea how this will shape my new year, but I'm thinking quite a bit. I have a feeling it might shape my life. I need to work on my addiction to STUFF. I have got to get a hold before I become one of those peeps on Hoarders. SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY, SIMPLIFY.

What do you think? Should I tighten my ground rules even more? Am I being crazy? Any bloggers you know doing something similar?

happy holladizzzzle

Things are in full swing here. I had a blast shopping for Henry's Christmas. We've been dancing around this house to Christmas music, Glee style. There is nothing more amazing than watching Henry experience Christmas for the first time. I am crazy excited for Christmas morning. Hendo makes me feel like a kid again. It's magic. Being a parent is just magic.

I am so sleep deprived that I really do mean that. PARENTHOOD= MAGIC.

on feeling old.

it's late. okay, it's 10:30, but that's late for me now. i attempted to take a picture of myself being super reflective and insanely gorgeous, but i've somehow ended up with this. you're welcome.

i should be in bed, but i'm savoring this alone time. it's been me, a diet coke and this bag of peanut m&m's for the last 30 minutes, and nothing and no one is going to make me feel guilty about any of that.

dude. i keep attempting to make this sound more poetic, but it just needs to be said: i am crazy hormonal right now. i feel OLD and TIRED and NOSTALGIC. it is a dangerous and insane mix.

ALL I WANT TO DO IS ONLINE SHOP AND LISTEN TO BEN FOLDS.

good night.

Happy Thanksgiving

To confess, I spend a lot of time allowing negative thinking to cloud my perception. It's not something I'm proud of. I let little stresses invade my thoughts, and I focus on the bad instead of the overwhelming amount of good in my life.

Thanksgiving is my favorite holiday, because it's so reflective. It is a time to surround yourself with family, and pause to recognize your blessings. I wish I did it more. So, even though it's not the new year, and even though the leaves aren't really changing here in Texas, I'm turning over a new leaf. I will begin to focus on and rally behind the good in my life. I am too blessed to be so stressed.

&, some of my favorite words on thankfulness:

"I like to walk alone on country paths,
rice plants and wild grasses on both sides,
putting each foot down on the earth
in mindfulness, knowing
that I walk on the wondrous earth.
In such moments, existence is a miraculous
and mysterious reality.

People usually consider walking on water
or in thin air a miracle.
But I think the real miracle
is not to walk either on water or in thin air,
but to walk on earth.
Every day we are engaged in a miracle
which we don't even recognize:
a blue sky, white clouds, green leaves,
the black, curious eyes of a child--
our own two eyes.
All is a miracle."
Thich Nhat Hanh, "Miracle of Mindfulness"

Today, like every other day, we wake up empty
and frightened. Don't open the door to the study
and begin reading. Take down a musical instrument.

Let the beauty we love be what we do.
There are hundreds of ways to kneel and kiss the ground.

Rumi "A Great Wagon"

great grandparents.

Henry and I just got back after spending five days with my grandparents, Henry's great-grandparents. My dad met us down there, and I can't tell you how wonderful it was. See that smile on my grandma's face? It never left. She was radiant with love and pride the entire visit.

My grandma and grandpa were supposed to meet Henry 6 months ago, but my grandpa fell and broke his hip; so, they had to cancel. It crushed my grandma, who has been faithfully taking care of him the past three years as he goes in and out of the hospital. She called me on the phone when they realized they wouldn't be able to come, "I just want to hold him." It was devastating. She told me in the car while I was there, "I felt selfish asking you to come all this way; I'm so glad you did. He's just perfect, Kelly."

My relationship with my grandma has always been strained. I've always felt I wasn't who she wanted me to be. I was either too rambunctious or unladylike. This trip was different; we really connected. I felt like I was finally doing something right. She kept telling me I was a great mother, that I made her proud. And those words mean so much when they're coming from someone you respect so highly; they mean the world.

My grandpa is sick; there's no two ways about it. I'm still coming to terms with the reality that he's going to die. It's so hard to imagine a world he doesn't exist in. It makes me feel better knowing that he met Henry -- that he's kissed his face and laughed with him. Someday, I can show Hendrix a picture of when he was very small, and I can tell him, "That's your great-grandpa, he loved you very, very much."

feminism and motherhood.

I want to write about Erica Jong's essay questioning modern motherhood. In Jong's defense, I think it is a conversation that needs to happen. I loved this response to her essay. We, as women, need to question our roles at home and at work. The fact that the conversation feels so polarized is unfortunate. There are women on either side of the fence (work vs. home), but I really feel most of us are somewhere in the middle.

I wish feminism was more about celebrating choice instead of shunning her choice because it is not mine. There is such a ridiculous competitive game that mothers play. Working mothers get defensive and talk about how they would be so bored if they had to be a stay at home mom. SAHMs get pretentious and talk about how empty they'd feel at work. Realistically, isn't this an individual preference? Why do we need to put someone else's choice down in oder to validate our own?

At the end of the day, raising children is hard work. Each family has to make tough decisions when it comes to childcare and parenting. Sadly, more often than not, our decisions are made for us by things like lack of funds or a broken support system. As feminists, shouldn't we be supporting our sisters instead of judging them?

Now, I better unload the dishwasher, put these folded clothes away and take off this apron; I have a baby to cuddle.

It's 2.

Hendrix has been waking up more at night lately. He's also been waking up around 6:30. I've been reading Dr. Sears' "The Sleep Book," because I really want to exhaust (no pun intended) attachment parenting's answer to sleep problems before I look elsewhere. I have been so happy with our parenting choices so far. I really have been. I don't want to turn somewhere else out of desperation, you know? After all, Henry will eventually sleep all night on his own. Even though that seems like a lifetime away, I know I'll blink and he'll be away at college.

But, of course, his night waking caused a big fight between E and I. It's kinda inevitable. Eric wakes up after I've already been dealing with Henry. So, I'm already frustrated and exhausted. Then, he attempts to help, but just ends up offending me. It's brutal. I guess that's what happens at 1 in the morning?

UGH. I think I'll be reading some Tich Nhat Hahn tomorrow morning. I have got to reconnect with my center of gravity and sanity. Also, I think I'll be pairing it with a giant cup of coffee.

In the meantime, check this kid out:

hendrix, the adult.

today, henry held my face in his hands and kissed me straight on the mouth. he then proceeded to wrap his arms around me and PAT ME ON THE BACK in a hug.

WHO IS THIS ADULT, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BABY?

home sweet home

Soon it's gonna rain.

I can feel it.

Soon it's gonna rain.

I can tell.

Soon it's gonna rain.

What'll we do with you?

~

We'll find four limbs of a tree.

We'll build four walls and a floor.

We'll bind it over with leaves,

And run inside to stay.

~

Then we'll let it rain.

We'll not feel it.

Then we'll let it rain,

Rain pell-mell.

~

And we'll not complain

If it never stops at all.

We'll live and love

Within our own four walls.

dark house; clear head

i'm up too late waiting for friday. my ears are tuned to the sounds of the people i love sleeping. i am blessed.

tomorrow, i was told, we are supposed to move into the house. however, seeing as there is no plumbing or electricity, i am finding that harder to believe. i don't think i need to tell you, that's a major bummer. the house looks amazing other than that. i think tomorrow, i'm going to wheel henry over in his stroller, and i am going to put some dishes away. i don't need a working bathroom to do that, am i right?

there is something about being in limbo that has really rattled me to my core. the past 4 months have been brutal. i honestly can't even believe i can write that, because i didn't think i could last that long in an rv. there is a part of me, especially on the verge of this move (across the driveway), that is disappointed in myself. i had a rare opportunity to challenge my materialistic, entitled self and instead, i complained. i didn't live in the moment. i have a real problem with that. i don't know why that is. there is something in me that is always looking forward, dreaming. i want more than i have. & i need to work on that. i need to be more present in my own life.

i know that i will look back on this time through the beautiful lens of hindsight and remember the good things: henry's first steps, eric and my midnight talks in the camper, reading the harry potter series in the light of the rv bathroom, the sound of the air conditioner whirring, the view with the windows open of the beautiful night sky, my time spent with carol in the mornings, henry growing and growing before my eyes... but i hope i remember the struggles, too. i hope i look back and can see how this experience has made me more aware and stronger.

time has passed in these months. things are moving. i pray i am moving with them.

one whole year

Dear Hendrix,

Thank you for changing my life. Before you, as cliche as it sounds, I didn't know what love was. Your mere existence brings me to the weepiest of tears. I can still remember our first day. I can remember the feeling of your tiny slippery body on my chest, the precious weight of it. You. You, my perfect baby. You are mine. The moment I held you, I knew: there would never be a love like ours.

I am not a competitive person, Henry; but I would fight to the death for you. No one and nothing are going to hurt you as long as I'm around. I promise to safeguard you as long as you let me. Even though all I want to do is hold you, I promise, I'll never hold you back. I will give you enough room to grow and fly.

You are my little explorer. You are curious and unafraid. I love that about you. It's in my nature to get worried and anal about little things like dirt and mess. But, I'm realizing more and more that obsessing over things like that just gets in the way. We will have so many adventures. We will play in the rain, dig in the dirt and soak up sunlight. I promise I will live in the moment and be thankful instead of stressed.

You've started to dance, Hen. In just the last few weeks, you have started to dance and clap your hands. You are so happy and in love with life. We have a blast together. I promise to keep that spirit alive in you. Life can get so sad and hard sometimes, but I will keep our home and our family alive in our joy. We have each other for such a short time, and we will make the most of it.

Henry, you are a year old. It's all happened so fast, and I am so thankful. We are blessed by God. It's the truth. Blessings like this are meant to be shouted about from the mountain tops. We have each other! You are a miracle, and I will always remind you of that.

I haven't begun to hold you enough. I haven't told you "I love you" enough. I haven't even started kissing your perfect face enough. I want a million years of you. You are my son, but you are also my entire heart. I am filled to the brim with love for you. You will never outrun it, or lose it. I promise.

xoxo,

Your Mama

time alone.

I'm sitting in this rv. eric took henry swimming at his brother's house, and I can't tell you how stoked I am to just be typing a blog post without a drool filled hand dragging across my face (LOVE YOU, HENRY!).

Really, I should be sitting in our house, but, the builders are a month behind. We should be there in 2 weeks. I guess it's nice, because I'll come back from my trip home (I leave in ONE WEEK), and I'll be moving in when I return. hopefully when I come back I'll have more of a clear head about all of this.

Things have been ROUGH. I've def. been hesitating to write about it on the internet, because I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but I figure I won't broadcast this blog post shamelessly on facebook.

I find myself in a bit of a depression, or slump if that word scares you. When moving down here, I had the highest of hopes. I knew I would be spending my days with the most wonderful thing I've ever done. I really thought that being with Henry would pull me through the tough parts of this transition, and don't get me wrong, I LOVE being at home. However, an RV doesn't provide much room in which to live, and so, we pretty much just sleep in it. The rest of my day is spent in my in-law's house. They have been so generous. All of our clothes are in their second bedroom, we use their t.v., eat dinner with them, use their washer and dryer-- we would be totally lost without them. But, cohabitation with your in-laws? I would not exactly recommend it. Without being too emo here? I FEEL LIKE MY SOUL IS BEING RIPPED FROM MY BODY.

I think a lot of my frustration stems from my upbringing. I NEVER heard my parents yell at one another-- ever. Eric and I, though we've had our moments, are always extremely conscious of raising our voices around Henry. Personally, and I fear looking up research to prove me right, I think stress & anxiety are bad for babies. However, we have COPIOUS amounts of both on a daily basis, and I'm just not used to it. I'm not. And the level to which it is now SHOVED IN MY FACE and in my son's face is too much. I am now at my end. I could go on and on, but I'll use discretion and stop there (email me for details--jk).

In the face of all this, I really do have to say, Eric has been awesome. it's not easy to lay down every night next to your wife who has been possessed by Snookie, "WAHHHHHHH!!!" I've been a bear and a half.

This week is our anniversary (4 years, baby!), and Eric has business in downtown Austin. So, we've booked a hotel for 3 days, and Henry and I are going to wade in the pool while he works. Then at night, we're going to explore this awesome town and get our heads on straight. After three days of perfection, I'll come back here, pack a suitcase and spend some much needed and anticipated time with my fam. Then, I'll return to the great state of Texas and move into a home not on wheels. What I'm getting at is things are looking up. I'm going to be okay. Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade.

the goods.

life has been ridiculously busy lately. the house is almost built, hendrix is closer to walking than i'd like to admit, and i'm doing enough laundry to open a business.

i'm tired most days. when i get in bed, my mind is racing. i've been writing more in my journal, trying to figure my own head and heart out. it's so tempting to come into this forum and pretend that everything is comin' up roses, but that's just not truthful. things have been hard down here. transition is just tough-- there's no other way to tell it. we're living in an RV, and while part of me can shade that as terribly romantic, like something out of a wes anderson film. but the truth is, RVs don't hold air well, okay? and, during the night, the air comes on and off like a banshee, stirring hendrix and waking me up EVERY. TIME. living with the constant company of my in-laws is both wonderful and terrible at the same time. eric and i find ourselves hugging each other for the first time at 9 at night, craving alone time. we are ready for space of our own again. i'm still trying to figure out how to balance my new role as MOM without resorting to a 1950s persona-- it's tougher than i thought it would be. for example, how does a feminist make a meatloaf? i have to figure out these things. :)

in the midst of all this crazy, there is a great deal of good, too. i'm home with henry. with my little buddy. he's going through this stage where all he wants is mom. i don't know what i would do if i had to hand him over to a daycare, kicking and screaming. it would truly break me. instead, i'm with him all day. i get to see the littlest nuances of his development. he's so much a part of me. so much a part of eric. he's our little guy. he's becoming such a wonderful person.

eric and i have been working on strengthening our relationship. i'm so lucky to be with someone who makes me a better person, and who challenges me when i'm not. we're constantly using the stresses in our life here to identify where we can become better, for each other and for henry. i know that as we continue to transition, we'll do so together.

i'm dreaming of this little house, ready to settle into a new space, both physically and emotionally. so ready.

poop ect.

yesterday, i found what i thought was blood in hendo's diaper. turns out, he just has a stomach bug and is, in turn, dehydrated. the doc wanted to make sure that it wasn't anything crazy. so, i spent my morning SCRAPING POO INTO SAMPLE VIALS. let me make something clear, i love this kid, but that? NOT FUN.

hendrix is none the wiser. he has no clue the things his mother does for him. NO CLUE.

I think I need to talk about an obsession of mine. I just need to have it out. I am in love with Baby Gap. IN LOVE WITH IT. & I also happen to be EXTREMELY talented at getting great deals there. And so, we're a good match, me and Baby Gap. We're kinda best friends. For example. I scored all this for a hundred bucks:

ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS. 14 shirts and onesies, 6 pairs of shorts and pants and 5 pairs of pajamas! I bought Henry's entire next size wardrobe for a cool hundred! Oh, and Henry approves:

You Cannot Lose My Love from kelly ann seaman on Vimeo.

hendrix turns 9 months on monday. 9 months. 3 months away from a year old. i've been feeling pretty insane about the whole thing. so, i made this lil' video to remind him that he has my permission to keep growing, but he'll never stop being my little baby. ilu, hendrix philo.

my first day as a sahm

We woke up yesterday morning around 8:30. Hendrix was all smiles and sounds, and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I changed and dressed Hen (for the first time), and took a shower while he played in his stroller.

After I got all clean and fabulous, he played in his pack and play while I made a shopping list, cleaned up and finished a load of laundry.

Then, we hopped in the car, ready for adventure!

When we arrived at Target? Henry was asleep. He woke up for his favorite store! :)

When we finished Targeting , Hendrix needed a full change (diaper and outfit). He probably wet himself with excitement. I know I did. After workin' our wetness out, we took a "first day at work" present to daddy, and went to lunch at Chipotle!

After lunch and tons of kisses, we went to the post office and sent off a Father's day gift to Paw-Paw. Hendrix helped me pack up the package, and all the people waiting in line fell in love with him-- DUH.

With our goods in the mail, we went back to the shopping center. Hendrix was fussy. So, I cranked the AC, put on some tunes and fed him in the backseat. We hung out there for a long time laughing and talking. Then, we went into Michael's to get some craft supplies! Hendrix loved the shopping cart.

After getting our crafting supplies, we came home, changed into something more comfortable, and played for about 30 minutes. Henry watched about 2 seconds of the Elmo movie I bought him. :) Mostly, he just laughed when Elmo did. It was pretty adorable.

When Henry started to fuss, I walked him for a few minutes, and he CONKED OUT. I set him down and got started on my craft project! He slept for 2 hours while I made and addressed "We Moved" letters for friends and family! You might think, no big deal, but for me? BIG DEAL. They turned out great, I thought!

Then, the fam came home and Hendrix helped me set the table!

All in all? BEST. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE.