put a bird on it.

If you haven't seen this yet, you're welcome:

I bought this yellow t-shirt for 25 cents a few months ago. I knew I wanted to do something with it... maybe embroidery? But, ahem, I haven't done anything but put it in a drawer. So, today was the day. I decided I wanted Henry to be able to WEAR THIS SHIRT TOMORROW.

I've had these awesome bird stencils for forever. Today, I found them in the same drawer as the t-shirt. FATE.

First, I taped that bird down with masking tape.

Next, I spray painted that bird.

Then, I waited an hour. When I removed the bird stencil, I realized you couldn't even tell it was a bird. THAT SIMPLY WOULD NOT DO. So, I took out a trusty scrap-booking archival pen, and I outlined that bird. After washing and drying it... VOILA:

Henry has something to wear tomorrow! And people will actually notice him, because he'll have a bird on him. :)

What about you? Any projects you have sitting in a drawer? Have you put any birds on things?

on the eve of 27

Killed myself when I was young

With my fingers on a poison gun

'Cause I had to come back new

Wanna walk on the ocean blue

"Killed Myself When I Was Young" -A.A. Bondy

This past year has been about a lot of things for me. I feel like I've learned so much about myself, about the woman I am and the woman I want to become. I know I can be pretty hard on myself. I spend a ridiculous amount of time critiquing and correcting my choices, my behavior. I know I do a lot of that on this blog. Part of me wants to rid myself of that, but I also want to embrace it. I want to be the best version of myself, and I know that doesn't happen without reflection. I really do believe it's necessary for growth, for renewal.

Don't cry child, you've got so much more to live for.
Don't cry child, you've got something I would die for
And if it comes to the rain, just be glad you'll smile again
'Cause so many don't.
And so many go unnamed.

"Failure" -- Laura Marling

I moved to a new state this year. I moved away from my closest family and friends. Suddenly, I was living my own life. That was so empowering and so very scary. I think a lot of this past year has been me realizing that I am my own person. I am living my own life. In the past few months, I've really come to terms with the fact that I'm an adult. I know that seems like something I should have realized a long time ago, but for some reason, I hadn't. I've found a new sense of independence of competence that I don't think I had embraced before.

Everything I've learned I have forgotten
Everything I've forgotten looks just like new

"Eyes on the Prize" -M. Ward

When we first moved here, it was tough--really tough. I honestly felt as insecure as I did in junior high, and those of you who know my junior high stories know that's pretty terrible. I felt so lonely, so friendless, so unlike myself. I really floundered for a while. Slowly but surely, it got better. At first, I took some time to be okay with being alone. I really grew during that time. Then, I branched out. I met friends at book club, at the YMCA gym class and at church. Sure enough, I made friends. Some of whom I honestly think could be lifetime friends. I can honestly say I need people in my life; I do. I was not made to be an island.

How do I know when it's time to stop?
Runnin' from the things I do, being things I'm not
Oh I have tried, but I just changed my mind
Every night befalls every morning light

"Please Pardon Yourself" -Avett Brothers

One thing I've been trying to do lately is be more honest with myself and with those around me. So often, I find myself curbing my opinions and thoughts. I find myself faking it, to an extent. I don't like that. I don't want to become abrasive, but I also don't want to be untrue to myself. I think part of me growing up is being sure enough of my opinions and beliefs to stand up for them, also being able to stand up for myself. I think most people see me as a pretty confident human being, but most days, I really struggle with self doubt. I need to trust myself more. That self doubt is a killer of progress. In the next year I promise I will forgive myself. I will seek out more of the good in the people around me instead of focusing on the bad. I will spend more time being grateful for what I have than focusing on what I don't. I will spend more time alone, listening instead of thinking. I will seek God.

I used to think if I could realize i'd die

then I would be a lot nicer

used to believe in a lot more

now I just see straight ahead

"Science Versus Romance" Rilo Kiley

The facebook wishes are already starting to roll in. My eyes are heavy, but my heart is full. Another year is passed, and I'm stronger for it.

marriage.

Yeah, that's my husband. He's hot. There's no two ways about it. He is a STONE FOX.

I saw Eric my first day of college (note: SAW, not MET). He was in an English class with me (one that he dropped the same day). And when he walked through the room, EVERY INCH OF ME melted. Seriously, it was just like in the movies. Time stopped. I can remember exactly where I was sitting, what he was wearing, the light in the room... Here is a picture of Eric at around 18. You'll see what I mean:

RIGHT? YUMMY. That day, Eric captured my heart. He did. I'm not even trying to be crazy about this, it's the truth. Up until we started dating, I only had eyes for Eric. All of my friends knew him as "My Mystery Man." I pranked called his dorm room, stared at him throughout every shared dinner in the cafeteria and asked every friend of his for Eric's info.

I bought my first Radiohead album, because I'd heard they were his favorite. I heard he liked "nice girls;" so, I tried to be nicer. Mostly, I was just in love with him.

I've been in love with Eric from the minute I laid eyes on him. Our story is a long one. A good one, but a long one. The short of it is, I'm a lucky woman.

Eric and I are very different people. I'm loud; he's quiet. I'm an optimist; he's a pessimist. I'm a buyer; he's a saver. I'm a doer; he's a thinker. On paper, we're complete opposites, but we work. We compliment each other.

We also fight like HELL. :) Something we both have in common is a stubborn streak a mile long. We both usually think we're right. It makes for some killer "conversations". Before we had Henry, our fights would sometimes result in me getting in the car and leaving, slamming the door behind me...

Henry has added a new dimension of stress to our relationship. However, he's also brought us closer together. We always worked at our marriage, trying to be fairer fighters, better partners. But Henry has made every fight, every disagreement, every unkind word seem paramount. We work as a team, constantly evaluating our relationship and working to be the best parents and examples to Henry.

It's hard work, but we both are passionate about setting a positive model of a loving relationship for Henry. That's why, when we first moved down here to Texas, we saw a THERAPIST. I feel like it's so taboo to admit that. I wish that wasn't true. The truth is, we just found ourselves in need of direction. We love each other so much; we love Henry so much, and it became clear that we had started unhealthy patterns that needed to be fixed.

Our time "on the couch" was so beneficial. We only went to 3 sessions, but in the interim time, we applied everything she suggested we look at. We read books, filled out surveys, but mostly we TALKED. TALKED. TALKED. We apologized for past wrongs, made promises for our future, and we grew. Eric and I are now more conscious of our attitudes, words and each others feelings. We are more aware.

I've come a long way since my time as a stalker. But the truth is, that boy who made my heart melt when I first laid eyes on him still gives me butterflies. Though our relationship started just like the movies, we are real people, with real issues, who work every day to be good to one another, and to our perfect baby boy. Thank God Eric is so good looking. He makes even the tough days seem easy.

What about you? What is your love story? How do you "keep the love alive?" Any tricks of the trade?

Guest Blogging!!!!

I wrote a lil' somethin' somethin' for my good friend, Annie's blog today. Annie is a bright, loving and kind person who I am lucky to know.

Check it out!

on homemaking.

Today, I was on the phone changing our car insurance (we saved 100 a month by switching to Geico!). The representative asked me what I "do," and as I scrambled to find the right words, he interjected with, "You're a homemaker." Part of me resented that label. I mean, if I'm just now becoming a homemaker, what was I when I was still working a full time job? I was making a home for my family then, too. I replied with, "Is that the politically correct term nowadays?" He laughed and said, "I guess so, MA'AM" Don't even get me started.

A homemaker. A stay at home mom. A housewife.

I've struggled in the past year with my new "labels." I have a hard time with them. Don't get me wrong, I know I am lucky to be able to stay home with Henry. I know that for our little family, me staying home is the healthiest arrangement for all of us. But, BUT. I find myself going back and forth... One day, I'm trying to aspire to be the Martha Stewart of all mothers and other days I find myself wanting to run back into the classroom. Bottom line? Being a stay at home mom is TOUGH.

I'm bored a lot of days. I doubt my parenting decisions. I wonder if I'm actually "parenting." I feel lonely and tired. I feel like my friends think I have it easy. I feel like I don't have any friends. I eat my way through some mornings. I ignore Henry. I cry. I get insanely impatient. I worry I'm not feeding Henry the right food or giving him the right toys to play with. I feel like NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. I worry. I doubt. I worry. I doubt.

& then (and I know I always end these self-reflective blog entries this way), THEN THERE'S THIS GUY...

.. who is growing every day into this real kid. There's this perfect human being who gives my life such bright light and energy. There's this part of me that is becoming more and more the person he is meant to be. And I have the front row seat AND the VIP pass and, you know what? I'm his STAY AT HOME MOM. His HOMEMAKER. And when I think about those labels in the context of my lil' buddy? They fit just fine.

sweat equity

At the back of our home, there is the most beautiful view:However, after the builders finished with the house, they left piles of dirt at the back of the house (they had to build up around some of the pipes. That was all fine and well, but it left us with quite the eyesore, and more importantly, we weren't using our backyard!

We decided we'd love to have a patio out back. So, we got to work. First, we evened out the dirt piles.

Next, we rounded up bricks (the previous owners left a huge stash of them behind the shed) and made sure to dig them into the dirt, keeping them straight and level.

Then, Eric moved 12 wheelbarrow loads of rock (the previous owners left this as well).

After dumping the rock evenly through the outlined patio...

After evening it all out, we now have a beautiful space to relax with a glass of wine at the end of a long day. Soon, those pretty trees will be layered in twinkly lights.

The best part? IT WAS FREE.

my little sister.

My little sister was born two years after me. She was sucked out of the world by a vacuum, because I think she preferred hanging out in a small quiet place. Or, maybe she just didn't want to start getting beat up by me.

That day, I gained the best friend I could ever ask for. Bethany holds all of my secrets, my worst and best memories and all of my heart. She is honest, generous and kind. She is never afraid to tell me the truth, and she has my best interests at heart. She challenges me to be a better version of myself.

Right now, Booper is in the Peace Corps serving in Moldova. Words can't begin to describe how proud I am of her. She is working to get hand washing stations installed in her school and medical center. She speaks Romanian now, fluently. She looks over her shoulder and translates whole paragraphs effortlessly to her host parents, who smile at her and love her with their whole hearts.

When Bethany told me she was applying for the Peace Corps, part of me thought she was joking. A small part of me thought she wouldn't carry through with it. I don't know if I could have. She lives alone, speaking a different language, eating foreign food and living a life without Diet Coke. :) My little sister, who was scared to go to Homecoming alone, is now inspiring full classrooms of students, and no doubt saving lives with her service. She flies back into Chicago in June. Eric and I are planning our trip now so that I can meet her at her gate with the biggest hug. My little sister, my hero.

Bethany, when she has time, will be blogging here.