one whole year

Dear Hendrix,

Thank you for changing my life. Before you, as cliche as it sounds, I didn't know what love was. Your mere existence brings me to the weepiest of tears. I can still remember our first day. I can remember the feeling of your tiny slippery body on my chest, the precious weight of it. You. You, my perfect baby. You are mine. The moment I held you, I knew: there would never be a love like ours.

I am not a competitive person, Henry; but I would fight to the death for you. No one and nothing are going to hurt you as long as I'm around. I promise to safeguard you as long as you let me. Even though all I want to do is hold you, I promise, I'll never hold you back. I will give you enough room to grow and fly.

You are my little explorer. You are curious and unafraid. I love that about you. It's in my nature to get worried and anal about little things like dirt and mess. But, I'm realizing more and more that obsessing over things like that just gets in the way. We will have so many adventures. We will play in the rain, dig in the dirt and soak up sunlight. I promise I will live in the moment and be thankful instead of stressed.

You've started to dance, Hen. In just the last few weeks, you have started to dance and clap your hands. You are so happy and in love with life. We have a blast together. I promise to keep that spirit alive in you. Life can get so sad and hard sometimes, but I will keep our home and our family alive in our joy. We have each other for such a short time, and we will make the most of it.

Henry, you are a year old. It's all happened so fast, and I am so thankful. We are blessed by God. It's the truth. Blessings like this are meant to be shouted about from the mountain tops. We have each other! You are a miracle, and I will always remind you of that.

I haven't begun to hold you enough. I haven't told you "I love you" enough. I haven't even started kissing your perfect face enough. I want a million years of you. You are my son, but you are also my entire heart. I am filled to the brim with love for you. You will never outrun it, or lose it. I promise.

xoxo,

Your Mama

time alone.

I'm sitting in this rv. eric took henry swimming at his brother's house, and I can't tell you how stoked I am to just be typing a blog post without a drool filled hand dragging across my face (LOVE YOU, HENRY!).

Really, I should be sitting in our house, but, the builders are a month behind. We should be there in 2 weeks. I guess it's nice, because I'll come back from my trip home (I leave in ONE WEEK), and I'll be moving in when I return. hopefully when I come back I'll have more of a clear head about all of this.

Things have been ROUGH. I've def. been hesitating to write about it on the internet, because I don't want to ruffle any feathers, but I figure I won't broadcast this blog post shamelessly on facebook.

I find myself in a bit of a depression, or slump if that word scares you. When moving down here, I had the highest of hopes. I knew I would be spending my days with the most wonderful thing I've ever done. I really thought that being with Henry would pull me through the tough parts of this transition, and don't get me wrong, I LOVE being at home. However, an RV doesn't provide much room in which to live, and so, we pretty much just sleep in it. The rest of my day is spent in my in-law's house. They have been so generous. All of our clothes are in their second bedroom, we use their t.v., eat dinner with them, use their washer and dryer-- we would be totally lost without them. But, cohabitation with your in-laws? I would not exactly recommend it. Without being too emo here? I FEEL LIKE MY SOUL IS BEING RIPPED FROM MY BODY.

I think a lot of my frustration stems from my upbringing. I NEVER heard my parents yell at one another-- ever. Eric and I, though we've had our moments, are always extremely conscious of raising our voices around Henry. Personally, and I fear looking up research to prove me right, I think stress & anxiety are bad for babies. However, we have COPIOUS amounts of both on a daily basis, and I'm just not used to it. I'm not. And the level to which it is now SHOVED IN MY FACE and in my son's face is too much. I am now at my end. I could go on and on, but I'll use discretion and stop there (email me for details--jk).

In the face of all this, I really do have to say, Eric has been awesome. it's not easy to lay down every night next to your wife who has been possessed by Snookie, "WAHHHHHHH!!!" I've been a bear and a half.

This week is our anniversary (4 years, baby!), and Eric has business in downtown Austin. So, we've booked a hotel for 3 days, and Henry and I are going to wade in the pool while he works. Then at night, we're going to explore this awesome town and get our heads on straight. After three days of perfection, I'll come back here, pack a suitcase and spend some much needed and anticipated time with my fam. Then, I'll return to the great state of Texas and move into a home not on wheels. What I'm getting at is things are looking up. I'm going to be okay. Don't bring around a cloud to rain on my parade.

the goods.

life has been ridiculously busy lately. the house is almost built, hendrix is closer to walking than i'd like to admit, and i'm doing enough laundry to open a business.

i'm tired most days. when i get in bed, my mind is racing. i've been writing more in my journal, trying to figure my own head and heart out. it's so tempting to come into this forum and pretend that everything is comin' up roses, but that's just not truthful. things have been hard down here. transition is just tough-- there's no other way to tell it. we're living in an RV, and while part of me can shade that as terribly romantic, like something out of a wes anderson film. but the truth is, RVs don't hold air well, okay? and, during the night, the air comes on and off like a banshee, stirring hendrix and waking me up EVERY. TIME. living with the constant company of my in-laws is both wonderful and terrible at the same time. eric and i find ourselves hugging each other for the first time at 9 at night, craving alone time. we are ready for space of our own again. i'm still trying to figure out how to balance my new role as MOM without resorting to a 1950s persona-- it's tougher than i thought it would be. for example, how does a feminist make a meatloaf? i have to figure out these things. :)

in the midst of all this crazy, there is a great deal of good, too. i'm home with henry. with my little buddy. he's going through this stage where all he wants is mom. i don't know what i would do if i had to hand him over to a daycare, kicking and screaming. it would truly break me. instead, i'm with him all day. i get to see the littlest nuances of his development. he's so much a part of me. so much a part of eric. he's our little guy. he's becoming such a wonderful person.

eric and i have been working on strengthening our relationship. i'm so lucky to be with someone who makes me a better person, and who challenges me when i'm not. we're constantly using the stresses in our life here to identify where we can become better, for each other and for henry. i know that as we continue to transition, we'll do so together.

i'm dreaming of this little house, ready to settle into a new space, both physically and emotionally. so ready.

poop ect.

yesterday, i found what i thought was blood in hendo's diaper. turns out, he just has a stomach bug and is, in turn, dehydrated. the doc wanted to make sure that it wasn't anything crazy. so, i spent my morning SCRAPING POO INTO SAMPLE VIALS. let me make something clear, i love this kid, but that? NOT FUN.

hendrix is none the wiser. he has no clue the things his mother does for him. NO CLUE.

I think I need to talk about an obsession of mine. I just need to have it out. I am in love with Baby Gap. IN LOVE WITH IT. & I also happen to be EXTREMELY talented at getting great deals there. And so, we're a good match, me and Baby Gap. We're kinda best friends. For example. I scored all this for a hundred bucks:

ONE HUNDRED DOLLARS. 14 shirts and onesies, 6 pairs of shorts and pants and 5 pairs of pajamas! I bought Henry's entire next size wardrobe for a cool hundred! Oh, and Henry approves:

You Cannot Lose My Love from kelly ann seaman on Vimeo.

hendrix turns 9 months on monday. 9 months. 3 months away from a year old. i've been feeling pretty insane about the whole thing. so, i made this lil' video to remind him that he has my permission to keep growing, but he'll never stop being my little baby. ilu, hendrix philo.

my first day as a sahm

We woke up yesterday morning around 8:30. Hendrix was all smiles and sounds, and I felt like the luckiest girl in the world. I changed and dressed Hen (for the first time), and took a shower while he played in his stroller.

After I got all clean and fabulous, he played in his pack and play while I made a shopping list, cleaned up and finished a load of laundry.

Then, we hopped in the car, ready for adventure!

When we arrived at Target? Henry was asleep. He woke up for his favorite store! :)

When we finished Targeting , Hendrix needed a full change (diaper and outfit). He probably wet himself with excitement. I know I did. After workin' our wetness out, we took a "first day at work" present to daddy, and went to lunch at Chipotle!

After lunch and tons of kisses, we went to the post office and sent off a Father's day gift to Paw-Paw. Hendrix helped me pack up the package, and all the people waiting in line fell in love with him-- DUH.

With our goods in the mail, we went back to the shopping center. Hendrix was fussy. So, I cranked the AC, put on some tunes and fed him in the backseat. We hung out there for a long time laughing and talking. Then, we went into Michael's to get some craft supplies! Hendrix loved the shopping cart.

After getting our crafting supplies, we came home, changed into something more comfortable, and played for about 30 minutes. Henry watched about 2 seconds of the Elmo movie I bought him. :) Mostly, he just laughed when Elmo did. It was pretty adorable.

When Henry started to fuss, I walked him for a few minutes, and he CONKED OUT. I set him down and got started on my craft project! He slept for 2 hours while I made and addressed "We Moved" letters for friends and family! You might think, no big deal, but for me? BIG DEAL. They turned out great, I thought!

Then, the fam came home and Hendrix helped me set the table!

All in all? BEST. DAY. OF. MY. LIFE.