Today, I was on the phone changing our car insurance (we saved 100 a month by switching to Geico!). The representative asked me what I "do," and as I scrambled to find the right words, he interjected with, "You're a homemaker." Part of me resented that label. I mean, if I'm just now becoming a homemaker, what was I when I was still working a full time job? I was making a home for my family then, too. I replied with, "Is that the politically correct term nowadays?" He laughed and said, "I guess so, MA'AM" Don't even get me started.
A homemaker. A stay at home mom. A housewife.
I've struggled in the past year with my new "labels." I have a hard time with them. Don't get me wrong, I know I am lucky to be able to stay home with Henry. I know that for our little family, me staying home is the healthiest arrangement for all of us. But, BUT. I find myself going back and forth... One day, I'm trying to aspire to be the Martha Stewart of all mothers and other days I find myself wanting to run back into the classroom. Bottom line? Being a stay at home mom is TOUGH.
I'm bored a lot of days. I doubt my parenting decisions. I wonder if I'm actually "parenting." I feel lonely and tired. I feel like my friends think I have it easy. I feel like I don't have any friends. I eat my way through some mornings. I ignore Henry. I cry. I get insanely impatient. I worry I'm not feeding Henry the right food or giving him the right toys to play with. I feel like NO ONE UNDERSTANDS ME. I worry. I doubt. I worry. I doubt.
& then (and I know I always end these self-reflective blog entries this way), THEN THERE'S THIS GUY...
.. who is growing every day into this real kid. There's this perfect human being who gives my life such bright light and energy. There's this part of me that is becoming more and more the person he is meant to be. And I have the front row seat AND the VIP pass and, you know what? I'm his STAY AT HOME MOM. His HOMEMAKER. And when I think about those labels in the context of my lil' buddy? They fit just fine.
KELLY. Let me just say, I HEAR YOU. Your paragraph about all the hard stuff? I'm reading it saying, "check. check. check." That's me all over the place. It wasn't always this hard for me. I think when we were newlyweds there was a period when I was really happy... I think I might have been happy that God didn't strike me down for getting knocked up and marrying an agnostic. So I had sort of a honeymoon period where I was just at home with my baby, not over thinking it, just moving through my days with relative ease and happiness. I can't pinpoint when that ease went away, but currently my position as a stay at home mom is a source of confusion/questioning/crisis for me. I don't feel like I'm good at it. Sometimes I am horrified by how bad I am at it. Still, instead of being ready to move out of this stage in my life, I can't stop wanting another baby, which would extend this period by many more years. WTF? I think I feel like a failure as a homemaker, so I want to try it again. Or I am just terrified of trying anything different, because this is all I have known as a woman and a mother. ANYWAY. I could go on and on about this, and I've already written a novel here in your comments. I just want to say that I love you and understand your struggle with this title and role. It is not easy, sister, no way no how. You sure have got a sweet little boy, though. I LOVE that picture. Big hugs!
ReplyDeleteLaura, WRITE ME A NOVEL DAILY. I love it.
ReplyDeleteI'm so glad to know I'm not alone in this. I feel like I go through phases of being so happy and then being like WTF DO I DO ALL DAY TODAY? :)
It's so tough sometimes! Mostly, I feel myself fighting against the urge to just SIT and be hands off with Hen. It's something that comes easy somedays, you know? Some mornings, all I want to do is put on the TV and veg out. & that's when I end up feeling the WORST.
I really need to push myself out of the house (something I've been trying a lot lately. Even if I just take Hen outside and tell him he's holding a stick when he's got one in his hands... You know? : )
Laura, you know where I stand in your baby discussion. :) I think you're an awesome mom, and you really are an inspiration to me. When I got pregnant, I told Eric all the time I wanted to be a mom like you. Being able to spend time with you while I was home made me so happy. So, just know that. I love you.
Kelly,
ReplyDeleteOren will be SIX MONTHS OLD on Monday. What. I do not know where the time is going.
Also, labels suck. I hate that so many people associate "homemaker" with anti-feminist beliefs.
I also hate that people seem so impressed with me. Teacher, mom, grad student, yes... but... What they don't know is that I'm tired as hell and I miss my kids. What they don't know is that I have so little time to myself that sometimes I steal it from my own children so I can have twenty minutes on facebook. "Juniper, want to watch Curious George so Mommy can zone out for a little while?"
What they don't know is that I LIVE for breaks. Christmas break, spring break, summer break, three-day weekends: If the state of Illinois or the city of Chicago gives me time off, I will take it and refuse to share it with anyone other than my kids.
Thankfully, Adam is SO, SO, SO wonderful with Oren and Juniper. He lets them watch too much TV, but who doesn't break that rule these days?
Somehow, Juniper is creative, imaginative, and so, well, buoyant. She bobs through life. Somehow, Oren is the happiest, most content baby ever. Somehow, Adam and I have managed to maintain a close and fulfilling relationship despite our ridiculous schedule. I have a feeling that those breaks I live for have a lot to do with that.
Anyway, the point of my seemingly unrelated statements is this: We love our kids. We don't parent them perfectly, but we parent them with so much love that it doesn't matter. With the exception of the teenage years of angst (during which they will be delusional and foolish), our children will not be able to say that we didn't love them and treat them the best we could.
I hope that was coherent. I've had waaaay too much coffee today (and not nearly enough sleep). Love you, Kelly! (I just typed "Jelly" twice, haha.)
Also relevant: I'm finishing coursework for an English Renaissance course that looked at what women wrote. Now, they didn't write like Shakespeare because that would have been outside of their very limited box-o-kinds-o-writing, but many of the writings we looked at were catechisms for their children. It was really marvelous (and so interesting to this nerd, anyway) to see how women who lived 400-500 years ago were so concerned with their children's learning and eternal souls. It was interesting to see how women pushed the limits of what was "acceptable" for a woman to write and publish (which didn't happen often). It's so interesting to look at this stuff from a mother's viewpoint. I was the only parent in the class, so I was able to make points that other grad students didn't consider, and that was fun.
ReplyDeleteI also have a twelve page paper due in a week, which will take more time away from or ignoring my kids... but my brain will get a workout! And I want them to see that pursuing a passion is a very good thing.
I just love you, Kelly, and all the commenters on this blog. You are all fabulous and I am proud to join the line of "homemakers" or "stay at home moms" if that means I'll be in line with you all. Thanks for contributing such beauty to the world I live in. I appreciate it.
ReplyDeleteSarah, first of all, YOU ARE AMAZING. I could barely keep my head up while teaching and taking care of Hendo... The fact that you do it with two, and somehow still manage to keep yourself sane is amazing. Your coursework sounds FASCINATING. I've often thought, how cool would it be to write a book following mamas through the centuries. Maybe we could do a collabo-no? :) HOW MUCH FUN WOULD THAT BE?
ReplyDeleteGet that paper, girl! xoxoxo
& Annie, CAN'T WAIT TILL YOU JOIN THE RANKS :) Love you!