hendrix, the adult.

today, henry held my face in his hands and kissed me straight on the mouth. he then proceeded to wrap his arms around me and PAT ME ON THE BACK in a hug.

WHO IS THIS ADULT, AND WHAT HAVE YOU DONE WITH MY BABY?

home sweet home

Soon it's gonna rain.

I can feel it.

Soon it's gonna rain.

I can tell.

Soon it's gonna rain.

What'll we do with you?

~

We'll find four limbs of a tree.

We'll build four walls and a floor.

We'll bind it over with leaves,

And run inside to stay.

~

Then we'll let it rain.

We'll not feel it.

Then we'll let it rain,

Rain pell-mell.

~

And we'll not complain

If it never stops at all.

We'll live and love

Within our own four walls.

dark house; clear head

i'm up too late waiting for friday. my ears are tuned to the sounds of the people i love sleeping. i am blessed.

tomorrow, i was told, we are supposed to move into the house. however, seeing as there is no plumbing or electricity, i am finding that harder to believe. i don't think i need to tell you, that's a major bummer. the house looks amazing other than that. i think tomorrow, i'm going to wheel henry over in his stroller, and i am going to put some dishes away. i don't need a working bathroom to do that, am i right?

there is something about being in limbo that has really rattled me to my core. the past 4 months have been brutal. i honestly can't even believe i can write that, because i didn't think i could last that long in an rv. there is a part of me, especially on the verge of this move (across the driveway), that is disappointed in myself. i had a rare opportunity to challenge my materialistic, entitled self and instead, i complained. i didn't live in the moment. i have a real problem with that. i don't know why that is. there is something in me that is always looking forward, dreaming. i want more than i have. & i need to work on that. i need to be more present in my own life.

i know that i will look back on this time through the beautiful lens of hindsight and remember the good things: henry's first steps, eric and my midnight talks in the camper, reading the harry potter series in the light of the rv bathroom, the sound of the air conditioner whirring, the view with the windows open of the beautiful night sky, my time spent with carol in the mornings, henry growing and growing before my eyes... but i hope i remember the struggles, too. i hope i look back and can see how this experience has made me more aware and stronger.

time has passed in these months. things are moving. i pray i am moving with them.

one whole year

Dear Hendrix,

Thank you for changing my life. Before you, as cliche as it sounds, I didn't know what love was. Your mere existence brings me to the weepiest of tears. I can still remember our first day. I can remember the feeling of your tiny slippery body on my chest, the precious weight of it. You. You, my perfect baby. You are mine. The moment I held you, I knew: there would never be a love like ours.

I am not a competitive person, Henry; but I would fight to the death for you. No one and nothing are going to hurt you as long as I'm around. I promise to safeguard you as long as you let me. Even though all I want to do is hold you, I promise, I'll never hold you back. I will give you enough room to grow and fly.

You are my little explorer. You are curious and unafraid. I love that about you. It's in my nature to get worried and anal about little things like dirt and mess. But, I'm realizing more and more that obsessing over things like that just gets in the way. We will have so many adventures. We will play in the rain, dig in the dirt and soak up sunlight. I promise I will live in the moment and be thankful instead of stressed.

You've started to dance, Hen. In just the last few weeks, you have started to dance and clap your hands. You are so happy and in love with life. We have a blast together. I promise to keep that spirit alive in you. Life can get so sad and hard sometimes, but I will keep our home and our family alive in our joy. We have each other for such a short time, and we will make the most of it.

Henry, you are a year old. It's all happened so fast, and I am so thankful. We are blessed by God. It's the truth. Blessings like this are meant to be shouted about from the mountain tops. We have each other! You are a miracle, and I will always remind you of that.

I haven't begun to hold you enough. I haven't told you "I love you" enough. I haven't even started kissing your perfect face enough. I want a million years of you. You are my son, but you are also my entire heart. I am filled to the brim with love for you. You will never outrun it, or lose it. I promise.

xoxo,

Your Mama