5 months...

i haven't been keeping up on blogging.

i haven't been keeping up on much of anything. i HAVE been keeping up on kissing, feeding, changing and adoring this little guy. i've had to force myself to let that be enough for now. supermom may not really exist. at any rate, i'm not her, and that's okay.

hendrix is technically 5 months old; i can't believe i can write that. he spends most of his time being held, smiling and bouncing. there aren't really any "milestones" to write about. he's not very interested in rolling over. he'd much rather have us help him bounce or stand up. he's starting to sit up, but needs help. i can't believe how quickly he is changing.

he has started grabbing EVERYTHING. if it's in his hands, it's in his mouth. he's teething, but it's touch and go. one day, he's a wreck; and the next, he seems to be fine. we're using teething tablets, and that seems to work well.

his skin is SUPER sensitive. even aveno baby lotion will break him out. so far, california cream (at 12 bucks a canister) is all that will work all over. poor kid. i put baby oil on him last week (a suggestion from grandma)? he was red like a tomato in less than 20 min. we seem to have a handle on it now, but it felt like a losing battle for a while. the side of his change table is small menagerie of lotions.

he's sleeping with us. he has been since around 2 months. it's the only way he will sleep, and the only way we do. i LOVE it. i do think we might try to transition him into his own bed at some point, but for now, this is the decision we've made.

he's perfect. i'm so lucky to be his mama.

the multi-tasking mother

eric and i started reading cornel west's memoir over christmas break. cornel is a power house philosopher, but an even stronger person. in his memoir, he talks at length about his work ethic. he's the type that greets the morning sun with a coffee and book in hand, ready to change the world. his life story is amazing, but he left me constantly wondering, how does he do it? how does he juggle book deals, teaching, family, relationships, travel, and still find time to put a smile on?

lately? i've been stressed; i've been overwhelmed. i'm sure this is nothing that would surprise anyone. however, i'm not usually the type to feel incompetent of keeping it together. becoming a mother has been the most amazing experience. it's made me stronger, more alive. but, it's also made me responsible for another human being 24/7, and that's a lot to handle. most days, i'm lucky if i get ANYTHING done after returning to work. i could come up with a million excuses for the way things are going, but that doesn't quite cut it for me.

you see, i want to be the type of mom that does it all. i realize this might be an unattainable goal, but i want it so badly. i think we all know those people that make the rest of us feel bad-- the people that eat "to-do" lists for breakfast. those people exist. they are REAL. they get stuff done. and i want to be one of those people.

i have this terrible fear that i'm going to look back on my life and somehow feel cheated, like i could have been all those things i wanted to be but was too lazy. i think that may be my greatest fear. i am terrified of mediocrity, of the status quo.

& so, my new years resolution? to become accountable to that mother of my dreams. i want to BECOME HER. i recognize i am now mothering an infant. i know he probably doesn't care that his mom doesn't have it all together. but someday? i want him to feel completely secure and happy. i know that if i don't feel completely secure and happy within myself, i can't make that world real for him. and that? it ain't happenin'.

hendrix's first christmas? GREAT SUCCES

we had a full day of opening presents, playing board games and eating wayyyy too much chocolate. hendrix was passed around to each family member like a little hot potato. we ended the night with screaming laughter, hen asleep in my arms. it was 70 degrees out, but it still felt like christmas.

miracle on gift street.

i can't believe i haven't updated this blog (truly) since henry was born. i guess i expected the first thing i would put up would be his birth story, but the truth is, that's still in the works. i haven't even "penned" more than 12 hours of it. my goal is to have at least part one of it done before the end this break. stay tuned.

it's almost christmas. this time last year, it was the last day of my last period. i know that's an odd and funny thing to write, but it's pretty memorable for me. when i first found out i was pregnant, i went to all these "determine the due date" generators. they all asked, what was the last day of your last period? and yep, last year on this exact day, december 23rd, henry was a tiny egg waiting in my ovaries. this time last year, he was a mere possibility. now, he's here sleeping next to me.

i don't think i need to tell you he's perfect-- but i will.

he's introspective and curious. he questions his world constantly; you can see the gears in his brain working it all out, delicately. he is smart, truly, a thinker. it's amazing to see him processing the world around him, becoming familiar. i know he'll be a hands on learner. he wants to be a part of everything. sometimes he'll fight sleep just to be around the action. he has just started recognizing wrigley and has recognized eric and me since nearly the very beginning. now, when we walk into a room, he greets us with the widest of smiles.

i have never seen anything as miraculous as his smile. the corners of his mouth turn, the right side first and then the left. it's infectious. his smile is filled with kindness. it is not a selfish; he smiles because he loves. i don't think i could ever adequately describe it. you'd have to witness him smiling to truly understand the strength of it. and he's slowly beginning to laugh. it's a small giggle right now. one day, it will be full and boisterous. one day, he will be laughing with us. how amazing is that?

hen only cries when something's wrong, and it has never taken us too long to figure out what he is attempting to communicate. but ugh, i hate hearing him cry. i'd heard that his tears would break our heart, but at times it's really too much. we decided to vaccinate, and when the nurses put needles in his tiny legs, something inside me broke in two. if i could, i would save him from every pain in the world. the longing to shield him from reality is overwhelming.

this journey hasn't been a walk in the park, there have been late night fights and tired tears, but we are blessed. we have a SON. last year, he was a beat of my heart. i nurtured and carried him for 9 months. i labored for 24 hours and released him into the world. he is now living and growing from my body. there is nothing more gratifying or powerful than the process of his growth. we are responsible for it, entrusted with it.

with God's help, we'll do right by him.

pictures in this post all taken by my good friend, Amy Werner

Hendrix Philo Seaman 

6 pounds, 14 ounces 

2o inches long

September 28th, 2009 

little baby, we're so in love. stay forever. 

we've somehow caught the cold here. it snuck up on us like a cat in an alley. i hate this about being sick. it doesn't take you over all at once. it sneaks up, starts to eat your food and the next thing you know, you're sleeping with it. eric is still functioning; i'm a mess. let me explain. 

today was our appointment with our midwife. please understand that all day today i was at school, becoming increasingly more sick as bells rang and kids passed through my door. i woke up this morning dreaming of hearing things like, "bed-rest," or "3 centimeters dilated." but, instead, i heard things like, "80% of women go past their due date," and "no change."when we drove off, i just cried. eric drove us around for a while, and i bawled like a spoiled little girl who didn't get a pony for her birthday, or as eric put it: a unicorn.

the truth is, i'm frustrated with myself. here i am -- truly-- the luckiest girl in the world. my sweet baby boy is healthy. i am so blessed. he's 6 pounds and 10 ounces. i still remember when he was just a cocoon of white on a black screen, and today i saw (again) his perfectly formed spine and his little fingers.  the last two days i've heard news of pregnancy complications with two of my friends. they're both still waiting on news of the status of their child's health.  i just feel so selfish. i was crying about carrying this perfectly healthy baby around in my body. 

i've been sleeping since we got home from our anniversary dinner (tuna and steak sandwiches at our favorite pub). eric's been listening to the new ryan adams album on repeat: 

Some of us are strong
But the rest of us are weak
So let us down
But if you must

Let us down easy Lord
Let us down easy Lord
Let us down

so much of me feels weak right now. obviously, my body. these past 9 months have been tough, this cold is not fun. but God is good. i am blessed with this little growing family, the littlest member of whom is almost 7 perfect pounds, and he's going to come out when he's good and ready. the Lord is good, so good. 

we WON the pacing the panic room fuzzibunz cloth diaper giveaway. i don't have words for how awesome this is, nor how much it will help offset the price of doing cloth diapers for hendrix. i was planning on slowly buying cloth (looking to buy used), and now we have almost an entire stash of cloth diapers FOR FREE. how awesome is that?

today, eric and i got iced mochas from starbucks (mine was decaf, haters), walked around bradley park with wrigley and dreamed about adding a stroller to our routine. hendrix is already so much a part of our hearts it's hard to believe we still have to wait a few weeks for his arrival. we went to a GM safety check on saturday and now, hen's lil' carseat is just chillin' in the backseat waiting for him.

i've committed myself to chilling my life out. i started getting a little too crazy impatient, and it honestly wasn't going to be healthy. after all, i have (at least) 3 more weeks till he's here. i keep having these surreal dreams, every one of them filled with light and peace. in each one, i'm nursing hendrix or just holding him to my chest. in them, there is such a strong sense of his spirit that i wake up really believing he's here with us. lately, wrigs has been coming and curling up to my belly in such a recognizably protective way. we're all so ready for him to be here.