today was our appointment with our midwife. please understand that all day today i was at school, becoming increasingly more sick as bells rang and kids passed through my door. i woke up this morning dreaming of hearing things like, "bed-rest," or "3 centimeters dilated." but, instead, i heard things like, "80% of women go past their due date," and "no change."when we drove off, i just cried. eric drove us around for a while, and i bawled like a spoiled little girl who didn't get a pony for her birthday, or as eric put it: a unicorn.
the truth is, i'm frustrated with myself. here i am -- truly-- the luckiest girl in the world. my sweet baby boy is healthy. i am so blessed. he's 6 pounds and 10 ounces. i still remember when he was just a cocoon of white on a black screen, and today i saw (again) his perfectly formed spine and his little fingers. the last two days i've heard news of pregnancy complications with two of my friends. they're both still waiting on news of the status of their child's health. i just feel so selfish. i was crying about carrying this perfectly healthy baby around in my body.
i've been sleeping since we got home from our anniversary dinner (tuna and steak sandwiches at our favorite pub). eric's been listening to the new ryan adams album on repeat:
Some of us are strong
But the rest of us are weak
So let us down
But if you must
Let us down easy Lord
Let us down easy Lord
Let us down
But the rest of us are weak
So let us down
But if you must
Let us down easy Lord
Let us down easy Lord
Let us down
so much of me feels weak right now. obviously, my body. these past 9 months have been tough, this cold is not fun. but God is good. i am blessed with this little growing family, the littlest member of whom is almost 7 perfect pounds, and he's going to come out when he's good and ready. the Lord is good, so good.
Hang in there, Kelly! I remember bawling, too, every time I went to the dr, and they told me I hadn't changed. At my last appointment, I was SO disappointed because I hadn't changed at all and we had to set up all the testing for the following week if/when I went past my due date... and Julia was born about 24 hours later! It will all come to past in God's perfect timing... and probably when you least expect it (it's more fun that way anyways!). God bless you three. :-)
ReplyDeleteit can feel really defeating to hear that progress isn't happening the way you'd like it to. i ended up asking them to stop doing internal exams to save my sanity-- i knew i would dilate when i was supposed to and i knew that women can dilate slowly or quickly so knowing where i was at was kind of irrelevant, really.
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