henry eats; i cry.

when i first read that pediatricians recommend waiting until 6 months to introduce solids, i thought, 6 months? that's so far away! there were so many times i thought i would start early. i bought rice cereal when he was 4 months old. but, i put it off. as the six month "deadline" approached, i found myself feeling downright sad. something about his growing up in that way depressed me. i know that is terribly selfish to admit, but it did. there is something so powerful about having someone rely on you for their every need. yes. sometimes it's overwhelming, but mostly? it's wonderful.

breast-feeding has been like something out of an indie flick with a terrific soundtrack for me. when we first started, it was tough. henry wasn't latching right, and i was worried we wouldn't be able to hack it. we met with lactation consultants often during the first few weeks, and for the first months, it was painful. my wrists ached from constantly re-latching him, and i worried i was doing something wrong. but then? around month three, we got it. suddenly everything worked. spending time feeding hendrix wasn't a chore, it was a blessing. each time he ate, it was just the two of us again, a sacred ritual. there are so many little things i'll keep close to my heart always, like the way he reaches up and grabs the collar of my shirt, the way his hands touch my face, the way he smiles while eating or the way or the way his eyes drift off into the most peaceful sleep. we are so close during our time; we're inseparable.

i know, of course, this can't last forever. i understand that, but i have so cherished this perfect design. i have loved every minute of being needed in such a powerful way. and now? henry is becoming independent. something other than my body is starting to nourish him. and someday, he won't need me to survive at all. of course, he will still need me, but not in an evolutionary sense. he will grow and be on his own.

and that? that makes me sad. happysad. i remember feeling this way after his birth. after 9 months of our secret existence, he was venturing out into the world apart from me (but still a part of me). i remember mourning our separation a little. yes. i was thrilled to have him in my arms and truly know him, but part of me missed having him all to myself perhaps each milestone of his will feel this way, like a departure?

dear lord., if i feel this way about APPLESAUCE, what am i going to do when this kid goes to school?