my first.

As this new little one is squirming around, becoming more present every day, I find myself holding Henry a little tighter. Though I know my relationship with Hen will become even stronger with the addition of his little brother (yes! a boy!), I can't help but feel a little sad. Soon, Henry will be one of two; I will be a mother of two. Things will be harder. Henry won't have my undivided attention, and I won't have his.

You might be thinking, "Duh, Kel." But, I have a tough time with change, okay? The first time Henry ate applesauce, I cried because I wasn't the only one taking care of him anymore-- now fruit was, too! When Henry learned to crawl, part of me couldn't help but feel terrified that he had just begun the inevitable journey of moving AWAY FROM ME. Change is tough for this mama.

So, I've been trying to really savor our last moments of "alone time." I'm putting the computer and the phone down. I'm going outside to play, even if it's cold out. I'm laying on the floor in his room and letting the toys pile up around us. I'm stopping to read every book, even the train one, again and again and again...

Today we had lunch at a restaurant with a friend and her son. Henry wanted to leave. So, he started whining (loudly). Usually, I can be pretty impatient with all that. But today, I asked him if he needed a cuddle. He lifted up his hands, wrapped his arms around my neck and laid his head on my shoulder. He whined and whimpered into my ear for a minute, as I covered his perfect head in kisses. I told him we'd leave soon enough, and I understood he was anxious. He said, "Okay, mommy," and went back to playing with his toy. There needs to be more of that happening in my life. By "that," I mean patience and perspective.

Henry is my first baby. He will always be. Our relationship will be very special because of that, but this new baby will make our relationship even more wonderful. Though change and evolution are tough for me, I'm also watching Henry become this independent and gracious human being. I am so proud to be his mother, so blessed.

In less than 4 months, God willing, I'll be holding a brand new life in my hands. Henry, who I am sure will look like a teenager by then, will climb into the hospital bed with me and meet his best friend for the first time. I'll hold both of my boys, and I know I'll cry and cry, so thankful for all the beauty change can bring. I might not feel ready by then, but I'll be ready.