lately? i've been stressed; i've been overwhelmed. i'm sure this is nothing that would surprise anyone. however, i'm not usually the type to feel incompetent of keeping it together. becoming a mother has been the most amazing experience. it's made me stronger, more alive. but, it's also made me responsible for another human being 24/7, and that's a lot to handle. most days, i'm lucky if i get ANYTHING done after returning to work. i could come up with a million excuses for the way things are going, but that doesn't quite cut it for me.
you see, i want to be the type of mom that does it all. i realize this might be an unattainable goal, but i want it so badly. i think we all know those people that make the rest of us feel bad-- the people that eat "to-do" lists for breakfast. those people exist. they are REAL. they get stuff done. and i want to be one of those people.
i have this terrible fear that i'm going to look back on my life and somehow feel cheated, like i could have been all those things i wanted to be but was too lazy. i think that may be my greatest fear. i am terrified of mediocrity, of the status quo.
& so, my new years resolution? to become accountable to that mother of my dreams. i want to BECOME HER. i recognize i am now mothering an infant. i know he probably doesn't care that his mom doesn't have it all together. but someday? i want him to feel completely secure and happy. i know that if i don't feel completely secure and happy within myself, i can't make that world real for him. and that? it ain't happenin'.
no one can do it all. and if they are, they have help from drugs. that's right, illegal ones.
ReplyDeletebeing a teacher and a mom is really difficult. i hate the days when i come home with forty essays to grade, because i know i'll be compromising something. do i try to get to bed at a decent hour and turn on sesame street so juniper is occupied for an hour? do i spend the entire night as mommy and lose sleep grading papers after she goes to bed?
ultimately, juniper wins most of the time. i value my professional approach to work SO MUCH, but i find myself making compromises. i'd rather be the mom who makes compromises in my work than in time with my daughter.
i've struck an uneven balance. just wait until there's another little lovinggood i have to keep track of... good god, i don't know how people have more than one child.
you're awesome for having such high and lofty goals. please remember that all mothers are laden with guilt, and try to let it go. if you don't achieve your goal in the way you thought you would, look at what you did accomplish. and if your son is still smiling at you when he turns thirteen, god, you've done something most parents can't.
sarah, you are one of those breakfast eaters i was talkin' about!!!!!!!! :) & thank you for the perspective. i know i can't "do it all," but i've got to change something. i'm in one of those deep winter ruts.
ReplyDeletei admire your ambition. i really do. and i don't want to tell you what to do or not to do. we are all finding our own ways on this journey of motherhood.
ReplyDeletefor me, almost 7 years in, the times when i feel most successful are the times when i focus in on my kids (and husband) and let everything else fall away. i do have many, many other things vying for my attention... projects i want to complete, self-improvement i want to tackle through fitness or reading or whatever, trying to keep our living space tidy / organized / comfortable, even keeping in touch with friends or volunteering at school. all of these things have their place, but at a certain point they all become distractions from the more important thing ... people. MY people. my family. i think to be sitting with your child and be happy in that moment is the most amazing and ambitious thing a mother can do. i struggle with it. my mind is always on something else. when i can be in the moment, that is when i mother the best, it's when i'm the most happy and connected. but those moments are so infrequent, b/c it's so hard to remain focused on what's most important to me.
our lives are very different. i can't imagine working away from home. it seems impossible to me. so i'm already in awe of all that you do. but i want to present something for your consideration: i kind of think that being frazzled and pulled in a million directions is the norm for american moms. so maybe the way you can break the status quo is to actually DO LESS. put fewer expectations on yourself. let yourself sit and enjoy hendrix and eric. you are clearly so happy with them, it is a joy and an inspiration to see. so maybe just let yourself be. don't put all this extra pressure on yourself to be some kind of super hero. a real hero to me is a person who is truly happy and enjoying her life. and, as far as i can tell, the way to get there is to be more happy doing less.
damn, what a rambling rose i am! i hope that made even an ounce of sense. these things are hard for me to articulate.
all that being said, if you are indeed in a winter rut (i know the feeling all too well), then, yes, do what you have to do to feel better. just do consider for a moment that doing more might not necessarily be the thing to help you get going again. it could be doing less. it could be sitting quietly. it could be coming over here for dinner and giving me a big hug!!
xoxoxoxoxo