lately? i've been stressed; i've been overwhelmed. i'm sure this is nothing that would surprise anyone. however, i'm not usually the type to feel incompetent of keeping it together. becoming a mother has been the most amazing experience. it's made me stronger, more alive. but, it's also made me responsible for another human being 24/7, and that's a lot to handle. most days, i'm lucky if i get ANYTHING done after returning to work. i could come up with a million excuses for the way things are going, but that doesn't quite cut it for me.
you see, i want to be the type of mom that does it all. i realize this might be an unattainable goal, but i want it so badly. i think we all know those people that make the rest of us feel bad-- the people that eat "to-do" lists for breakfast. those people exist. they are REAL. they get stuff done. and i want to be one of those people.
i have this terrible fear that i'm going to look back on my life and somehow feel cheated, like i could have been all those things i wanted to be but was too lazy. i think that may be my greatest fear. i am terrified of mediocrity, of the status quo.
& so, my new years resolution? to become accountable to that mother of my dreams. i want to BECOME HER. i recognize i am now mothering an infant. i know he probably doesn't care that his mom doesn't have it all together. but someday? i want him to feel completely secure and happy. i know that if i don't feel completely secure and happy within myself, i can't make that world real for him. and that? it ain't happenin'.
